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Chassis Introduction Critiques?


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#1 Koniving

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Posted 26 April 2013 - 08:51 PM

Hello everyone, Kon here.
This thread is created to get critique help from you!

Update May 10th 2013! Only a few more days before the voice actress is back from vacation. Please read over Hunchback Chassis Introduction. I'm looking for any kind of paragraph order changes to make it read easier and to keep similar information together? Phrase fixes? Broken / mistaken lore? Any other suggestions? Anything at all? Can tell me in the thread or in a direct message. I take criticism well. If you post fix ideas in the thread, please quote so it lets me know.






I am doing this voice dialogue script for a series of videos introducing BattleMech chassis to new and experienced players with lore-friendly background information. Separate videos will introduce the variants with more specific information. The long and short of it is, between both the chassis introduction and then the individual variant videos, it is intended to help both new and experienced players decide on which battlemechs they want to invest their into.

Again note that this specific script is to introduce the Hunchback chassis only, and not to go into detail on the variants as they will be covered in separate videos.

Below is intended to be read by a woman who is supposedly briefing new Zhizhu Mercenary Corporation recruits (as it is made by us). It could be played like some pre-recorded briefing or with an actual animated character giving information on either new enemies or acquisitions by the Zhizhu Merc Corp. Will try to have a briefing room scene to start the video with but the idea may be dropped depending on how complicated the 3-D rigging gets with the actual MWO "pilot" mesh.

I am looking for critiques on wording, order of paragraphs (in case if it sounds better in a different order), as well as if any information is misplaced. Somehow I feel some of it is repeating, so wondering how to edit it.

Anything written in [ ] is an alternate portion of the sentence that could be swapped out depending on preference.

(Obviously there's a bit of roleplaying here. It is deliberate so that the videos stand apart from the various "well this mech does this" type videos made by other youtube channels.)

Works cited for this: http://www.sarna.net/wiki/Hunchback

Previous version:
Spoiler


Old version 2.
Spoiler


Current script:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Series introduction; the preview. (May actually be released after the first video or two, but is set before the first video. Introduces the briefing room and what you are as a mercenary.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spoiler


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hunchback Chassis Introduction.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Recruits,

Today's intelligence briefing will introduce the Komiyaba Type VIII (8) BattleMech Chassis.

The Komiyaba Type VIII Chassis is best recognized by the large protrusion on one shoulder which creates it's unmistakable profile.This oversized weapon housing has earned the Type VIII the moniker "Hunchback".


Although the Hunchback was originally designed by Komiyaba/Nissan General Industries it's design and production rights were procured by Kali-Yama Weapons Industries some centuries back. It is currently manufactured by Kali-Yama, Coventry Metal Works, and Norse-Storm BattleMechs. The design is sturdy, affordable, and generally flexible, making this mech quite apropose for novice pilots.

It is a medium class BattleMech with a maximum carrying capacity of fifty tons. All of it's variants come off of the factory lines equipped with a 200-rated Nissan Standard Engine capable of propelling it up to 64.8 kilometers per hour.

Mass produced as an affordable, well-armored Mech, the ideal role of the Hunchback is close urban combat with the general purposes of stationary asset defense and escorting larger threats to the enemy field. Allow me to clarify that by escort, I mean the Hunchback becomes an extension of said larger threat. In the company of an assault battlemech, the Hunchback is the extra limb and firepower for its partner's use.

The Hunchback in its many iterations has proven itself to be an effective design in every conflict large and small since its introduction 5 centuries ago in the Reunification War. Even today the Type VIII is still seen in every combat theater of the Inner Sphere often with only little modification. At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat. So pay attention! (So listen up!)

Good pilots are those that kill the enemy and stay alive. In the Hunchback, killing the enemy means making precision strikes when the opportunity arises. Staying alive is making excellent use of cover.

At factory specs the Type VIII keeps perfect pace with most assault battlemechs--solidifying its role as supporting firepower. Since escort objectives assigned to them are almost always assault mechs, it is common practice for the Hunchback to use their charge as a shield against long range attacks whenever they are in the open field. Every weapon system on the Hunchback is designed to make it devastating at close range as it weaves between large buildings or larger 'Mechs to eliminate its targets. This comes at the cost of speed and lack of jump jets.

The standard firepower of any Hunchback is swift to destroy its targets with an exclusion zone of 270 meters. For most variants the Hunchback's fatal flaw is that its most effective weaponry is heavily localized in one location which is vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes, hence its dedication to Defense and Escort. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy in its home turf of urban environments. However, even the best armor alone is not enough.

The most common version of the Komiyaba Type VIII chassis is registered in most targeting software as the "HBK-4" series which is now found on virtually every battleground. It features a number of variants to suit the many needs of warfare, each concluding the readout pattern HBK-4 with a single letter. The common variants are the HBK-4G, the 4H, 4J, 4P, and finally the periphery modified 4SP. We will go into more details on them in upcoming briefings between your training sessions in the simulators.

On a related subject, there are rumors of an upgraded HBK-5 series in front lines of the Inner Sphere conflict. These began in 3046 with word of an HBK-5M model. However we have not seen these on the Periphery of the Capellan Confederation nor do we expect to see them so far from the Inner Sphere's front lines any time soon. Still, expect to be briefed on them when and if we ever begin to see them in our backyards.

Edited by Koniving, 28 May 2013 - 02:44 PM.


#2 Koniving

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 06:56 AM

Thank you for visiting the thread! ;) If you have any critiques, ideas on rewriting, etc., please share them.

#3 Adridos

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 07:38 AM

Why not post this in the 'mech guides part of the forum?

I think it would be a bit better fit there.

#4 Koniving

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 10:01 AM

That is a thought, although it's not quite a guide until it's finished.

#5 Koniving

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Posted 28 April 2013 - 07:45 AM

So no one thinks this needs any changes or has any critiques?

#6 slash b slash

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Posted 28 April 2013 - 08:01 AM

Change it so it's about the Atlas.

#7 Koniving

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Posted 28 April 2013 - 11:44 AM

Atlas will come, don't worry. I'm going in order of new player-friendly mechs, then onto the rest.

Eventually every mech will have its own chassis introduction, and their own variant videos with advice and such.

Edited by Koniving, 28 April 2013 - 11:44 AM.


#8 loliza

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 04:48 AM

first off awsome initiative Koniving thumbs up :P

View PostKoniving, on 26 April 2013 - 08:51 PM, said:



It is mass produced as an affordable, strongly armored BattleMech for urban defense and escort missions. Its default firepower is strong with an exclusion zone of 270 meters. The weaponry is heavily localized in the right torso which is easy to take out on the open field from range, hence its dedication to "D. and E." Good Hunchback pilots make excellent use of cover. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy.


the bold underlined part was a bit unclear what you meant ^_^ d. and e. maybe im noob but dont get it :)

rest was very nice tbh good info, well written and a little rumor in the end :huh:

#9 Koniving

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 08:25 AM

View Postloliza, on 29 April 2013 - 04:48 AM, said:

first off awsome initiative Koniving thumbs up :huh:
the bold underlined part was a bit unclear what you meant :D d. and e. maybe im noob but dont get it :lol:
rest was very nice tbh good info, well written and a little rumor in the end :ph34r:


Thank you. D and E was meant to make it sound more like the actual army briefings I would receive. When I was in the service the commanding NCO giving the briefing would short-hand certain terms that kept getting repeated. Rules of Engagement, RoE. Capture and Defend, C and D. "Defense and escort, defense and escort, D and E." Originally when written she had mentioned Defense and Escort at least 3 times which when read back to me sounded a little too redundant, so I shortened the last one to D and E (pronounced D 'n' E). Later revisions apparently removed the second Defense and Escort.

Some paragraphs were rearranged as well, to keep related info (weapons and speed) together.

Come to think about it I can see a revision or two right now. *Goes to do that.*

#10 juxstapo

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 08:39 AM

Quote

The weaponry is heavily localized in the right torso which is easy to take out on the open field from range


Never sat through any military briefings, so I have no idea how close to standard nomenclature this is, but (just in my opinion), the euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."

Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."

Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."

(... or something like that, just suggestions. Sorry if this came off and smartarsed and preachy, I was never in the military but I was a PITA english major. :huh: )

#11 Koniving

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 10:57 AM

Mkay. Revision today. Check back to the original post underneath the spoilers.

Old version is still available under the first spoiler.

For additional reading and fun which introduces the commanding officer who gives the briefings, check out the spoiler under Series introduction; the preview.

View Postjuxstapo, on 29 April 2013 - 08:39 AM, said:

The euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."
Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."
Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."

That's the sort of help I was looking for. I'll compare that with the version I just put up (so do check back to it if you get the chance) and see if I can minimize that. There. Additional revisions made to include yours.

Edited by Koniving, 29 April 2013 - 05:08 PM.


#12 Koniving

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Posted 05 May 2013 - 10:32 AM

Newest version is up. Critiques welcome whether here or in my IM box. I take criticism well, and if I wasn't looking for it then this wouldn't be here.

I feel the script is almost ready for the voice actress.

#13 Kargush

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Posted 05 May 2013 - 05:18 PM

Original:

Quote

At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat. So listen up!


Suggested change:

Quote

At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat. So pay attention!


#14 Koniving

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Posted 08 May 2013 - 11:02 AM

View PostKargush, on 05 May 2013 - 05:18 PM, said:

Suggested change


Done. Though it kind of sounds teacher-like, so I slipped in parenthesis for it.

#15 Kargush

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Posted 09 May 2013 - 09:04 PM

View PostKoniving, on 08 May 2013 - 11:02 AM, said:


Done. Though it kind of sounds teacher-like, so I slipped in parenthesis for it.

They used similar language for briefings when I was a conscript. Hence the suggestion. ;)

#16 Koniving

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Posted 10 May 2013 - 05:42 AM

Only a few more days before the voice actress is back from vacation. Paragraph order changes? Any other suggestions? Phrase fixes? Broken / mistaken lore? Anything at all? Can tell me in the channel or in a direct message. I take criticism well.

#17 Koniving

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Posted 11 May 2013 - 10:13 AM

Bumps since there's only a couple of days left before the script is considered final.

#18 Liquid Leopard

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Posted 11 May 2013 - 12:26 PM

View Postjuxstapo, on 29 April 2013 - 08:39 AM, said:


Never sat through any military briefings, so I have no idea how close to standard nomenclature this is, but (just in my opinion), the euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."

Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."

Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."

(... or something like that, just suggestions. Sorry if this came off and smartarsed and preachy, I was never in the military but I was a PITA english major. :) )

Having sat through military briefings, some of them repetitive, many with bad English (and a lot of made-up words), I think "take out" is fine. When I was in USAF officer training, and someone asked what the Air Force did, the correct answer was, "Sir, we break things and kill people." We also "put warheads on foreheads" and reduce the enemy to "hair, teeth and eyeballs", even in a discussion where you address your superiors as "sir" or "ma'am" or by their rank. If one finds such such expressions jarring, and doesn't get used to it, one's response in actual combat is probably hopeless.

#19 BoPop

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Posted 11 May 2013 - 03:03 PM

i dig it.

#20 Koniving

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Posted 28 May 2013 - 11:25 AM

View PostLiquid Leopard, on 11 May 2013 - 12:26 PM, said:

Stuff


Hey bud. This is the last day this particular thread is gonna be as is. Tomorrow it's getting handed to the voice actress (thanks to some issues she had, there's been more time). Any final suggestions or ideas?





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