15 replies to this topic

[FuDawg]

Sometimes as I sit in my mutli-ton killin' machine I think to myself... "How neat would it be to have a regular everyday 'job' as some crazy fools do"? Sometimes I even answer the comm link and find that, yes, some fool out there really does think I have time aside from blowing up mechs to do just that. Some of these crazies want help with their computers and such... sigh...

Recently my comm link alerted and damned if some dirtbound ninny does want me to stop killin' **** and review quarantined mail queues. Aside from the fact that once I'm done there won't BE any mail in her queue or anywhere else anymore, I am pretty sure she never even considered my plans for email based vengeance. Sure enough... as I grudgingly inquire what she'd like release and ask the subject line (sneaky hint... the subject from a quarantine has the usually overlooked reason FOR it)

"VBS Script"... "So... you'd like me to release the email with the unrequested/expected VBS Script on it???" "Yes please." I'll interject here only the word Please and a cute female voice held my finger from the delete user command... "Sigh... ok.. but you realize this mail is bad right?" No... she clearly doesn't... but... sure enough it's from anonymous@zz.ne.jp or some stupid **** and the file ends in .doc.js and is zipped.

"Helpdesk person... you see this, this and this? Yeah...that means... I AM A ******* VIRUS!!!" I tried to stomp on her with my stompy robot foots but... she was quick and also in Dubai... And she is my help desk person... sigh... And people wonder why I want to retire from being a System Admin and go full time Mech Merc

[MarineTech]

Helldesk staff... Killin's too good fer 'em.

Almost as bad as users.

Edited by MarineTech, 17 May 2016 - 01:30 AM.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell Part II ********

Well... yet again this archaic communications device has shrilled it's evil little battle cry at me. I looked around my cockpit... nobody else seems to notice or care. Alas... I will play along. "IT Operations, what is your damage... er how can we help you? I'm sorry, you say the VSPHERE Host isn't coming back up after the power maintenance in Brussels? Well... my yes that IS bad."

"OHHH you want help making it boot! Have you tried shooting it with a laser? What do you mean that makes no sense? You called ME for help not the other way around dirtling!"

"Oh Fine! Stop crying you big Mary! I'll help you for real. Have you put it under your mech's foot and slowly applied pressure? OK... ok... if you don't wanna try any of that, have you tried... um... POWER CYCLE IT? No? Hmm.... I'm gunna suggest we try that. I may even go so far as to suggest that you MIGHT should have tried that before calling me acting like the planet is on fire."

"What? Seriously? You can't find the power button? And you've NEVER run into a Battlemech.. er... computer/device without one? And... say maybe... just pulled both power supply cables? No... of course you haven't. Nah don't bother I'll bounce it remotely detonating.. er... shutting down the reactor ....er power ports on the PDU."

<Insert Curveball>
Morons didn't LABEL the PDU's OR the Ports in the Remote Access Interface.
<Insert Facepalm>

Well guess what poor local IT dirtling? YOU get to manually audit every PDU, port, and power supply in that mech... er ... um.. cockpit.. I mean.. um... Office.. yeah that's it, OFFICE! And when you are done, you are gunna call me and we are going to correct every document in this damn place as well as the interface labeling AND you better get some of that label tape from your local Comstar cuz we are gunna label the **** out of the physical PDU's too.

Sorry kid but you ruined my NOC nap now I gotta make you miss you flight back to London And all over an office a place known for their awful sprouts and mediocre waffles

[XxXAbsolutZeroXxX]

Sounds like thedailywtf.com material in the making.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part III

Well little Mechwarriors and Mechwarriorettes... the weekend has come to a weak end and I again find myself translocated to a heavily modified cockpit. My fingers fumble for the reactor safety, the trigger covers... yet find nothing but strange controls I vaguely seem to recall. I'll tell you right now, the funny black thing with the holes on either end and the numbered keypad on it's base, that one I feel a vague haunting residual resentment for. But.. I can't really recall at the moment why... meh.

My neurohelmet must be busted cuz, I can't seem to move my stompy footz neither... sigh. Never a damn crew chief around when you need one. C3 link initiated... command links are up. Two active warnings but both are already targeted. For once the on call guy didn't so such a crappy job keeping up with stuff (note to self - don't piss in his coffee this week - he's earned a break). I'm a little shocked to say it but, despite the my mech not working, they have handed a properly functioning Command and Control Center for once.

Now... I suppose since I can't find the triggers for the weapons on this thing it's more than likely time for NOC Nap. I could do paper work... but let's be honest - odds of that would not make a betting man smile

[Davegt27]

Made me think back to when all the IT stuff got started (in the military anyway)

You know it’s against the rules to call the help desk without approval (in the ANG)

Then they would want you to do this or that over the phone

My favorite saying when talking to those help desk dip wits was "if I do your job shouldn’t I get your pay to"

[FuDawg]

Davegt27, on 23 May 2016 - 06:22 PM, said:

Made me think back to when all the IT stuff got started (in the military anyway)

You know it’s against the rules to call the help desk without approval (in the ANG)

Then they would want you to do this or that over the phone

My favorite saying when talking to those help desk dip wits was "if I do your job shouldn’t I get your pay to"

Ahhh I hearken back to my own Army Intelligence days. We didn't really even have IT at the time and I even recall testing some of the very first tactical MI computer systems. Can't say more; I'm sure you grok. While I enjoy and respect your post Conan the Grammarian... aka the Grammar {Godwin's Law}, has possessed me for the moment. He wants me to tell you that the correct form of "to" in this case would actually be "too".... as in "If I do your job, shouldn't I get your pay 'too'?". Sorry for that, but nobody has called for me to screw with yet so I've not gotten my "morning" ire out properly yet

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part IV

Ahh my warm cozy cockpit with my happy lil' kill speakers and other such brickabrack... ya have to make a mech a HOME, not just a mech ya know? Yeah... anyways. The switches flick with their usual satisfying bluntness. Screens coming up, radar is clean. Mag scans clean. Log scans reveal a minor issue with some silly remote site the dirtlings have deployed. Someone is apparently suing the **** out of someone again. Yeah us! Anyways, I know they'll soon realize they are wasting my destructive talents in favor of these silly computers but for now... I must appease the payroll gods. Not willingly mind you but... appease none the less.

No sooner have I gotten my harness on and tested out my dakka dakka and my wubba wubba (pulse lasers of course) then the egregious annoyance of that shrill little cry. "Help me help me!! I'm a piece of **** remote site on a piece of **** hotel internet circuit and I can't talk to no internets!! WAHH!!!"



Very well... sigh... Once more I pretend to care. Just for a moment my finger hovers over the dakka ... cuz... I mean... help or blow her up... it's really the same thing right? Well... either way my fingers... for whatever reason, struck the keyboard to see if I felt like firing up the backup device. Fool that she is ... she speaks.
"You gotta help me, the attorneys are really mad!"

I think I said this before but... let me note clearly...


That being said, a reply was clearly merited... "That must be very frustrating. Did you tell them to 'use' their anger"?

"WHAT? What do you mean??"

"Why... to USE their anger of course. When they go into the trial. When they decide to go for a million or a billion, remember this pain and suffering and go for two trillion. See? I'm not even gunna charge you guys extra for that."

Strangely, she doesn't seem amused. I move faster when people laugh at my jokes. Sometimes I make bad jokes just to establish the dominance... yer GUNNA laugh - funny or not... or it's GUNNA take longer. Sadly... she fails. Looks like it's time to do a port by port inspection of the firewall instead of just calling the backup device to make sure it's active (She REALLY should have laughed at my joke I don't care how pissed they are LOL)

Sadly... the main circuit re-established while I had a good hour of troubleshooting lined up for her. Looks like you got off easy this round darling

Edited by FuDawg, 23 May 2016 - 09:50 PM.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part V

Just as I was lining up that pesky lil' Jenner in my sights and about the lay down the whammy on the little Oxide ***** in the cockpit... <ALERT> <ALERT>!! The shrilling of my alarms calling out shatters my concentration. Oxide has escaped... ***** is unpunished... someone. must. PAY.

Wellllllllllll wellllll wellllllll... let's just see what has triggered this alert as I am forced to change my cockpit from Mech mode to NOC mode (don't ask, it's not worth knowing how to do). Oh my, a user has ... wait... and L user... has (get it?? L User... ??? anyways...) emailed me that they are having, "computer problems". Well... with an analysis like that I can safely say the computer is broken. Get a new one. Still... I know some attorney/bean counter is going to insist that there could be more to it when CLEARLY if the person that noted "computer problems" would have said so if there had been any more information possible to give.... so... I am forced to... interact with a user. This one I will do so slightly less grudgingly than most.

Hitting the comm link I fire up a circuit to the customers mech.. er... phone. She thanks me for calling. Good manners are one of the reasons I'll help this L user. "Yes I believe you called citing, "Computer Problems". Might I request slightly more specific information?"

"Well.. I was trying to print something and I don't remember what it said but it said I couldn't print."

"But ma'am... if you don't remember what it said how do you know it said it couldn't print?"

"Don't get smart with me!"

"But ma'am... I need to be smart to help you..."

"Look, it just wouldn't print ok??"

"Sure, so it's not printing and have checked the printer connection and all the basics yet?"

"Well, I'm not trying to print anymore though.."

"I see... so... we aren't trying to print. But... you wanted me to know that when you DID try to print... you couldn't although you can't remember what it said about why. And you can't tell me now because you aren't trying to print now. Does that cover it?"

"Yes smart *** it does."

I"I see. Might I ask what you are currently attempting that is not working?"

"Well I did my print... um... well.. I did my email and it told me to call Microsoft!"



No, seriously,

"So... can I ask what 'did my email' means and what 'it told me to call Microsoft' means exactly?"

"Well I got an email on my phone and I couldn't read it. Then I got on the computer and was reading email and I saw that same one from my phone from my really good friend and it said if you have trouble reading this, click Here. So I clicked there and this funny window came up and said my computer was at risk to call microsoft and it gave me the number. I called and they wanted to control my computer but I didn't feel safe so I said no and hung up"

"Ah!!!! Yes... now we have reached the crux of your biscuit madame. That last email was a lure. You were reading it fine and that's how you read the lure 'If you have trouble reading this click here...' Now you are indeed infected and no, that was likely NOT Microsoft you were speaking with. Your hard drive is more than likely encrypted and you need to call that good friend of yours and let her know SHE is infected and propagating the virus as well"

"Oh thank you!! I will call her right now! I'll let you go honey! Love you!"

... "Yeah I love you too Mom."
Hey... even ******* NOC Admins have moms

Also... don't tell my Mom I called her an LUser

Edited by FuDawg, 25 May 2016 - 08:11 PM.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part VI
Well... the holiday is over.. all props to my brothers and sisters, those who went before and those who will come after. Now of course, it's back to that heavily modified cockpit I like to call "the office" (well.. let's be honest I don't LIKE to call it anything except perhaps... "on fire"). Still... regardless of my likes I see no flames coming from the building so chained up I R.

More to my chagrin... I find.. dare I say... I have nothing to ***** about. I feel almost as though I should ***** about that but, wtf right? NOC Nap time. Somebody call me in a couple of hours (I hate it when the day shift walks in on my NOC Naps...)

[MarineTech]

Where's your PFR?

Pimply Faced Recruit?

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part VII

Well my fine Jar Headed pal... Not all of us GET PFRs. And I'll tell ya I could use me a PFR right about now. The intramech communications system has experienced a small problem and ergo I get to run a C3 bridge all night with all the Brass. Luckily the Brass don't like stayin' up much. So a few Mech.. er... Network and Storage techs have rounded up an otherwise annoying event.

IF I had me a PFR... well geeee... I'd make that lil' ****** get me Coffee and Doughnuts and ... well.. all manner of awesome ****. I'd put their little punk *** in a Jenner and make 'em be bait.. "Here ya little ****. Jump in here and run over there. When they all start shooting you... I'm gunna suggest you run. Up to you though. IF you take my advice and run like hell, don't forget two things....
1. SERPENTINE God Damnit!
and..
2. Bring them to me!!! DAKKA DAKKA!!!"

Oh.. wait.. I forget I seldom bring Dakka Dakka... it's sort of unfair... I restrict myself generally to a single weapon. In fact... why the hell would I let a PFR get in MY ******* Spider and make a Dire Wolf pilot cry? That's MY fun!! Maybe THAT is why I don't have me no PFR... I don't really wanna let them learn in the light and I don't trust them to back me up in a fatty (annoying as **** when you gotta crawl outta your cockpit and shoot your PFR in the face for legging you)

Just remember kids... Happiness is a Spider clocking at 165.4 running circles around a lonely Direwolf or Kodiak with a single Large Pulse Laser until the poor pilot just shutdown in frustration and let's you finish him Despair in my enemies is nearly better than desert!

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part VIII
Um... yeah... I'm bored and have nothing funny gurgling out of my brain to write down so ... I think it's time for the night bowl... and we ain't talking cereal baby. Out, code 420 dispatch. Time to put my "Do Not Disturb" sign in tha window

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part IX
Bwarrrrr blah blah blah yawwnnnnnnnnnn. Die L users Die.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part X
I feel like I should be complaining but.. I'm thinking I have energy for a nap... or to complain... gunna run with the nap.

[FuDawg]

******* Mechwarrior Noc Admin From Hell - Part XI
Well... I'm bored. You are all at fault ergo you must all suffer by reading my little ***** snippets As I hunt for something non breakable at which to vent my ire (Like I'm gunna fix any of this ****, ya know?), I cannot help but notice an article on a professional site, "Signs That Your Computer has been Hacked!". OK... I'll bite.

There is SO much more in this article I could home in on and Dakka Dakka till my eyes bleed but.. let's just target this particular little fox pass.... (get it? Nah... if you do there is as much wrong with you as me hehe). But I digress... "If your computer begins dialing the internet on it's own"... Let me just stop this wenchling right here. Boys and girls, brothers and sisters, Freebirths and Tubespawn (hehe)... I'm here to tell you if your computer starts dialing the internet on it's own you have a MUCH larger problem than a virus. The author noted, "some programs will connect for updates... blah blah" and.. she is not "wrong" per se. BUT.... I say unto you... IF you are dialing up to start with then YOUR problem is not a VIRUS... it's YOUR CONN. Fix that and step into the 21st century with the rest of us THEN we can talk about if you need to worry about a Hacker or a Virus

A MODEM...!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA