Hello everyone, Kon here.
This thread is created to get critique help from you!
Update May 10th 2013! Only a few more days before the voice actress is back from vacation. Please read over Hunchback Chassis Introduction. I'm looking for any kind of paragraph order changes to make it read easier and to keep similar information together? Phrase fixes? Broken / mistaken lore? Any other suggestions? Anything at all? Can tell me in the thread or in a direct message. I take criticism well. If you post fix ideas in the thread, please quote so it lets me know.
I am doing this voice dialogue script for a series of videos introducing BattleMech chassis to new and experienced players with lore-friendly background information. Separate videos will introduce the variants with more specific information. The long and short of it is, between both the chassis introduction and then the individual variant videos, it is intended to help both new and experienced players decide on which battlemechs they want to invest their into.
Again note that this specific script is to introduce the Hunchback chassis only, and not to go into detail on the variants as they will be covered in separate videos.
Below is intended to be read by a woman who is supposedly briefing new Zhizhu Mercenary Corporation recruits (as it is made by us). It could be played like some pre-recorded briefing or with an actual animated character giving information on either new enemies or acquisitions by the Zhizhu Merc Corp. Will try to have a briefing room scene to start the video with but the idea may be dropped depending on how complicated the 3-D rigging gets with the actual MWO "pilot" mesh.
I am looking for critiques on wording, order of paragraphs (in case if it sounds better in a different order), as well as if any information is misplaced. Somehow I feel some of it is repeating, so wondering how to edit it.
Anything written in [ ] is an alternate portion of the sentence that could be swapped out depending on preference.
(Obviously there's a bit of roleplaying here. It is deliberate so that the videos stand apart from the various "well this mech does this" type videos made by other youtube channels.)
Today's intelligence briefing will introduce the Komiyaba Type VIII (8) BattleMech Chassis.
The Komiyaba Type VIII Chassis is best recognized by the large protrusion on one shoulder which creates an unmistakable profile. This oversized weapon housing has it earned the military moniker "Hunchback."
It is a medium class BattleMech chassis, with a maximum carrying capacity of 50 tons. All of its variants come off the factory lines with a 200-rated Nissan Standard Engine clocking in at 64.8 kph.
The Hunchback was originally designed by Komiyaba/Nissan General Industries, although its designs and production rights have been procured by Kali-Yama Weapons Industries some centuries back. It is currently manufactured by Kali-Yama, Coventry Metal Works, and Norse-Storm BattleMechs.
It is mass produced as an affordable, strongly armored BattleMech for urban defense and escort missions. Its default firepower is strong with an exclusion zone of 270 meters. The weaponry is heavily localized in the right torso which is easy to take out on the open field from range, hence its dedication to "D. and E." Good Hunchback pilots make excellent use of cover. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy.
Since its conception the main role of the Hunchback is an effective urban environment fighter. Every weapon system on the Hunchback is designed to make it devastating at close range as it weaves between large buildings to take out its enemy. This comes at the cost of speed and lack of jump jets.
Proven to be an effective design in every major conflict and minor strife since its introduction 5 centuries ago in the Reunification War, the Type VIII is still seen in every combat theater of the Inner Sphere. At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat.
The "HBK-4" series is now commonly found on virtually every battlegrounds. It features a number of variants to suit the many needs of warfare. The common variants are the HBK-4G, 4H, 4J, 4P, and 4SP. We will go into more details on them shortly.
There are rumors of an HBK-5 series, however we have not seen these on the Periphery of the Capellan Confederation nor do we expect to see them so far from the Inner Sphere's front lines any time soon. Still, expect to be briefed on them when we begin to see them in our backyards.
Old version 2.
Spoiler
Recruits,
Today's intelligence briefing will introduce the Komiyaba Type VIII (8) BattleMech Chassis.
The Komiyaba Type VIII Chassis is best recognized by the large protrusion on one shoulder which creates an unmistakable profile. It is because of this oversized weapon housing that the Type VIII has earned the military moniker "Hunchback."
The Hunchback was originally designed by Komiyaba/Nissan General Industries, although its designs and production rights have been procured by Kali-Yama Weapons Industries some centuries back. It is currently manufactured by Kali-Yama, Coventry Metal Works, and Norse-Storm BattleMechs. Their merchandise is sturdy, affordable, and generally flexible. It makes this particular chassis very palpable for novice pilots.
It is a medium class BattleMech chassis, with a maximum carrying capacity of 50 tons. All of its variants come off the factory lines with a 200-rated Nissan Standard Engine clocking in at 64.8 kph.
It is mass produced as an affordable, well-armored BattleMech. The ideal role of the Hunchback is an effective urban environment fighter, with its general purpose being defense of key structures and escorting larger threats. The low speed keeps it at an ideal pace for defending its objective without abandoning it.
Good Hunchback pilots make excellent use of cover. Since escort objectives assigned to Hunchbacks are almost always assault mechs, it is common practice for the Hunchback to use their objective as a shield against long range attacks whenever they are in the open field. Every weapon system on the Hunchback is designed to make it devastating at close range as it weaves between large buildings to eliminate its targets. This comes at the cost of speed and lack of jump jets.
The default firepower of any Hunchback is strong with a typical exclusion zone of 270 meters. For most variants the Hunchback's fatal flaw is that its most effective weaponry is heavily localized in one location which is vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes, hence its dedication to Defense and Escort. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy in its home turf of urban environments. However, even the best armor alone is not enough.
The most common version of the Komiyaba Type VIII chassis is registered in most targeting software as the "HBK-4" series which is now found on virtually every battleground. It features a number of variants to suit the many needs of warfare, each concluding the readout pattern HBK-4 with a single letter. The common variants are the HBK-4G, the 4H, 4J, 4P, and finally the periphery modified 4SP. We will go into more details on them in upcoming briefings between your training sessions in the simulators.
The Hunchback and its many iterations have proven itself to be an effective design in every conflict large and small since its introduction 5 centuries ago in the Reunification War. Even today the Type VIII is still seen in every combat theater of the Inner Sphere often with only little modification. At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat.
On a related subject, there are rumors of an upgraded HBK-5 series in front lines of the Inner Sphere conflict. These began in 3046 with word of an HBK-5M model. However we have not seen these on the Periphery of the Capellan Confederation nor do we expect to see them so far from the Inner Sphere's front lines any time soon. Still, expect to be briefed on them when and if we ever begin to see them in our backyards.
Current script:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Series introduction; the preview. (May actually be released after the first video or two, but is set before the first video. Introduces the briefing room and what you are as a mercenary.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spoiler
The camera moves with a very subtle bob as a hand protrudes to push the door open.
As the camera enters the room, it pans about like an eyeball, briefly capturing anything of interest that would naturally draw the eye.
In the room are many men and a few women in undecorated basic uniforms or jumpsuits who appear to have been waiting. Each is engaged in his or her own way of passing the time.
A buff older male enters the room from a different door, stepping to the side of it before standing at attention and announcing: "Officer on Deck!"
Immediately stop the camera in mid-stride, slightly raising and straightening it to signify straightening one's spine and puffing out one's chest to stand at attention.
(So much for being a mercenary. This already feels like the army.)
A woman in her early thirties enters the room wearing a uniform with metallic shoulder pads and puffed upper sleeves. Her posture is best described to be that of Jeri Ryan's Star Trek character Seven of Nine. Though the clothes are not nearly so tight. Superior. Confident to the point that she could take on a battlemech bare handed and win, to the point that she could make Chuck Norris pee himself. While her actual size is not the most intimidating, there's something about her that says she's been through more than you. The scars? Perhaps. But not likely. She nears the middle of the room, passing a table or two before coming to a halt.
"At ease." The others begin to sit. "You," she looks directly at the camera. "You're late."
A hand belonging to the camera raises, it sounds as if you are going to say something as you inhale a breath.
She retorts before even the first utterance comes from your mouth, "When I speak to you there will be nothing said. No acknowledgement. Not a sound; not even a thought. You alone are nothing. Time is money, and so long as you're in training you are a waste of both. You will take your seat. Now."
The camera will move to the closest chair and then look downwards to it. If nothing else confirmed that the camera is in fact "you," then seeing your hand reach out to pull the chair back, and your legs positioning to sit down before doing so will. Hands rest upon the table. Fists slightly clenched.
(What a...)
"Don't even think," the officer barks while looking in your direction.
(Can she...)
"You heard me." The officer begins to walk back in front of the room so that all may see her, before she formally does an about-face. Her gaze turns wordlessly to the NCO that announced her presence, who gives her a pad and is then dismissed. She touches the pad two or three times in silence before continuing. "First off I will begin with telling you that you are not to react, and any questions I ask are rhetorical in nature. Throughout this entire introduction you will not speak, though you may think."
She presses a button on the pad that dims the lighting a bit. Then, she takes a deep breath. Her words then flow at a steady pace with pauses between commas and sentences being emphasized with no more than a second long.
"Listen up! I will be perfectly clear! All of you are nothing! Regardless of your background, your history, your reasons for being here, you are dead. You,are,nothing. Does this frighten you? Anger you? What does it matter? Fighting alone you are all corpses, rotting within the wreckage of the BattleMechs you spent your life's savings on. Leave this room and that fate is sealed."
"Whatever brought you here is irrelevant. Soldiers unhappy with your army's leading House? A farmer whose land was devastated by war? Family killed in a crossfire that didn't even involve them? Fueled by a desire to find out why Comstar can't keep its communications with the bordering worlds? While you may find your place to belong, your vengeance, or even your answers; none of it matters to anyone but yourself. We all have our histories and no one cares about the individuals. You're a statistic. Whether you become a survivor or a casualty depends on you. If you leave this room, if you fight on your own, may whatever deity you believe in...tch. ...have mercy on your soul. There will be none on the battlefield."
"Take a stick, for instance. That is you. Bend it and it breaks. Now take a few. This is yourself within a lance of 3 others. The lance is stronger, but eventually it will break if burdened with too much. Now take three lances and bundle them. Notice something? This is the reason you are here. Alone you are nothing. In small packs you are pests. As a bundle, an organization, you are part of an impenetrable force."
Spoiler
Thought crossed my mind. Not sure if keeping.
"In the words of Newton, when there is a force and there is an equal and opposite force, what allows motion? Friction. We are that friction that topples stalemates. "
"As I said, time is money. War is a business that you are about to specialize in. You will be trained. You will be forged, hardened, and caste. You will fight the battles of others to uphold their causes in exchange for the almighty c-bill. In doing so you will find opportunities to (find something to insert here) your own causes. (Paragraph incomplete.)
"So long as you are employed by us, you will continue to receive updates on the various battle machines in the field, and threat analysis briefings on every variant you will see in our theater of operations."
Today's intelligence briefing will introduce the Komiyaba Type VIII (8) BattleMech Chassis.
The Komiyaba Type VIII Chassis is best recognized by the large protrusion on one shoulder which creates it's unmistakable profile.This oversized weapon housing has earned the Type VIII the moniker "Hunchback".
Although the Hunchback was originally designed by Komiyaba/Nissan General Industries it's design and production rights were procured by Kali-Yama Weapons Industries some centuries back. It is currently manufactured by Kali-Yama, Coventry Metal Works, and Norse-Storm BattleMechs. The design is sturdy, affordable, and generally flexible, making this mech quite apropose for novice pilots.
It is a medium class BattleMech with a maximum carrying capacity of fifty tons. All of it's variants come off of the factory lines equipped with a 200-rated Nissan Standard Engine capable of propelling it up to 64.8 kilometers per hour.
Mass produced as an affordable, well-armored Mech, the ideal role of the Hunchback is close urban combat with the general purposes of stationary asset defense and escorting larger threats to the enemy field. Allow me to clarify that by escort, I mean the Hunchback becomes an extension of said larger threat. In the company of an assault battlemech, the Hunchback is the extra limb and firepower for its partner's use.
The Hunchback in its many iterations has proven itself to be an effective design in every conflict large and small since its introduction 5 centuries ago in the Reunification War. Even today the Type VIII is still seen in every combat theater of the Inner Sphere often with only little modification. At some point in your lives you will likely pilot one, and several times over you will face them down in combat. So pay attention! (So listen up!)
Good pilots are those that kill the enemy and stay alive. In the Hunchback, killing the enemy means making precision strikes when the opportunity arises. Staying alive is making excellent use of cover.
At factory specs the Type VIII keeps perfect pace with most assault battlemechs--solidifying its role as supporting firepower. Since escort objectives assigned to them are almost always assault mechs, it is common practice for the Hunchback to use their charge as a shield against long range attacks whenever they are in the open field. Every weapon system on the Hunchback is designed to make it devastating at close range as it weaves between large buildings or larger 'Mechs to eliminate its targets. This comes at the cost of speed and lack of jump jets.
The standard firepower of any Hunchback is swift to destroy its targets with an exclusion zone of 270 meters. For most variants the Hunchback's fatal flaw is that its most effective weaponry is heavily localized in one location which is vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes, hence its dedication to Defense and Escort. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy in its home turf of urban environments. However, even the best armor alone is not enough.
The most common version of the Komiyaba Type VIII chassis is registered in most targeting software as the "HBK-4" series which is now found on virtually every battleground. It features a number of variants to suit the many needs of warfare, each concluding the readout pattern HBK-4 with a single letter. The common variants are the HBK-4G, the 4H, 4J, 4P, and finally the periphery modified 4SP. We will go into more details on them in upcoming briefings between your training sessions in the simulators.
On a related subject, there are rumors of an upgraded HBK-5 series in front lines of the Inner Sphere conflict. These began in 3046 with word of an HBK-5M model. However we have not seen these on the Periphery of the Capellan Confederation nor do we expect to see them so far from the Inner Sphere's front lines any time soon. Still, expect to be briefed on them when and if we ever begin to see them in our backyards.
It is mass produced as an affordable, strongly armored BattleMech for urban defense and escort missions. Its default firepower is strong with an exclusion zone of 270 meters. The weaponry is heavily localized in the right torso which is easy to take out on the open field from range, hence its dedication to "D. and E." Good Hunchback pilots make excellent use of cover. The 'Mech's armor is sturdy and almost always front-heavy.
the bold underlined part was a bit unclear what you meant d. and e. maybe im noob but dont get it
rest was very nice tbh good info, well written and a little rumor in the end
first off awsome initiative Koniving thumbs up
the bold underlined part was a bit unclear what you meant d. and e. maybe im noob but dont get it
rest was very nice tbh good info, well written and a little rumor in the end
Thank you. D and E was meant to make it sound more like the actual army briefings I would receive. When I was in the service the commanding NCO giving the briefing would short-hand certain terms that kept getting repeated. Rules of Engagement, RoE. Capture and Defend, C and D. "Defense and escort, defense and escort, D and E." Originally when written she had mentioned Defense and Escort at least 3 times which when read back to me sounded a little too redundant, so I shortened the last one to D and E (pronounced D 'n' E). Later revisions apparently removed the second Defense and Escort.
Some paragraphs were rearranged as well, to keep related info (weapons and speed) together.
Come to think about it I can see a revision or two right now. *Goes to do that.*
The weaponry is heavily localized in the right torso which is easy to take out on the open field from range
Never sat through any military briefings, so I have no idea how close to standard nomenclature this is, but (just in my opinion), the euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."
Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."
Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."
(... or something like that, just suggestions. Sorry if this came off and smartarsed and preachy, I was never in the military but I was a PITA english major. )
Mkay. Revision today. Check back to the original post underneath the spoilers.
Old version is still available under the first spoiler.
For additional reading and fun which introduces the commanding officer who gives the briefings, check out the spoiler under Series introduction; the preview.
juxstapo, on 29 April 2013 - 08:39 AM, said:
The euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."
Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."
Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."
That's the sort of help I was looking for. I'll compare that with the version I just put up (so do check back to it if you get the chance) and see if I can minimize that. There. Additional revisions made to include yours.
Newest version is up. Critiques welcome whether here or in my IM box. I take criticism well, and if I wasn't looking for it then this wouldn't be here.
I feel the script is almost ready for the voice actress.
Only a few more days before the voice actress is back from vacation. Paragraph order changes? Any other suggestions? Phrase fixes? Broken / mistaken lore? Anything at all? Can tell me in the channel or in a direct message. I take criticism well.
Never sat through any military briefings, so I have no idea how close to standard nomenclature this is, but (just in my opinion), the euphemism "take out" seems jarringly casual in the midst of an otherwise formal discussion. It is also used twice within a three sentence stretch; "as it weaves between large building to take out its enemy."
Suggestion for the first sentence:
"which makes the HBK vulnerable to disarmament at range via pinpoint strikes."
Suggestion for the second sentence:
"eliminate it's target."
(... or something like that, just suggestions. Sorry if this came off and smartarsed and preachy, I was never in the military but I was a PITA english major. )
Having sat through military briefings, some of them repetitive, many with bad English (and a lot of made-up words), I think "take out" is fine. When I was in USAF officer training, and someone asked what the Air Force did, the correct answer was, "Sir, we break things and kill people." We also "put warheads on foreheads" and reduce the enemy to "hair, teeth and eyeballs", even in a discussion where you address your superiors as "sir" or "ma'am" or by their rank. If one finds such such expressions jarring, and doesn't get used to it, one's response in actual combat is probably hopeless.
Hey bud. This is the last day this particular thread is gonna be as is. Tomorrow it's getting handed to the voice actress (thanks to some issues she had, there's been more time). Any final suggestions or ideas?
0
into.
If you have any critiques, ideas on rewriting, etc., please share them.
)
