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Tales of a Raven pilot


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#1 Chiyeko Kuramochi

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 11:57 AM

First off a disclaimer, I am not well versed in the mechwarrior lore, in fact outside mechwarrior 4 vengeance I have not played any of the games (still I loved that one). This is just written from what I know and how I see things, if you think I completely kill the lore drop me some feedback I can work with and I keep it in mind.

Secondly all works here belong to me and are copyrighted to me, they cannot be copied for any purpose outside of personal use without my permission, thank you.


A day of the Raven.

Julia smiled as one of the assault mech pilot made an remark at her ‘toy mech’ it was a standard reaction of many when they saw a pilot of her rank and experience drop into the small Raven class mech. Julia however wouldn’t want it any other way she was a light mech pilot by hearth fitted with the best ECM and ECCM systems she was hard to spot and yet could spot her targets with ease. Armour was little just enough to brush of some glancing hits, but she didn’t plan on getting hit at all her speed would be her armour. Weapons wise she had a pair of medium lasers and a SRM missiles, enough of s ting to be a nuisance
As they prepared for their drop the com chatter was filled with all sorts of remarks and bets being made, people just getting rid of pre combat stress. Jaine made a bet with the assault pilot who called her mech a toy mech about who would come out the best in the upcoming battle. Than someone shouted “clear, clear, clear” over the com signalling everyone to shut up as the battle would start and that he started to give orders that they all had heard before in the briefing. Jaine knew her job, scout and hit targets of opportunity and if possible infiltrate the complex and take out control buildings.

The drop was an high altitude one and they soared down to the planet to land not much later in the soft desert sands. Jaine went full throttle right away dashing for the dunes to her right as the open field was not a good place to be as a scout mech. It took her a minute to get in range of the enemy base and she started top pop up above the dune tops once in a while marking targets. Defence was light, but growing as mechs started to power up and join their fellow who had been on patrol likely. Some mech tried to get shots of at Jaine, but she was never long enough visible for any of those shot having a chance to hit her, but she planned to draw as much fire as she could ever shot that was wasted meant less ammo for the defenders to use.

The battle now fully started with assaults firing their long range weapons and the 2 Catapults in Jaine’s squad firing off their LRM racks on the reload the open terrain meant it would be a short and brutal battle. Jaine dashed from the hills straight into the facility grounds with random roads impacting around her from the 2 mech quick enough to react, she started looking for the base defence control facilities, but everything was build in the same fashion and she could not get a target instead she ran into a madcat which had just powered up, barely dodging it’s fire she returned fire aim for its legs hoping to put it down that way. The Madcat tried desperately to get his weapons to bear on the small Raven, but Jaine knew her job and she dashed between buildings at varying speeds to throw his aim off in case he could see her. Than her last SRM salvo blew the Madcat’s leg in half and it crashed down. “madcat legged in facility” she said over com and dashed out again able to put in a few laser hits here and there before the battle e was over.

A few hours later she sipped her beer looking at Jacob, the assault pilot who had paid her the beer according to their bet, he had taken quite a beating and his stalker was still being repaired.



A lone Wolf Raven

Julia checked her systems as she waited for the drop, the raven was optimized for stealth with strong passive sensors and ECM ECCM systems, even more than she usually used, the expanse came at weapons her 2 medium lasers where taken out the energy weapons emitting far more than her SRM pack, instead she carried beacon launcher to mark targets for the upcoming attack tomorrow of the day after. The drop was quiet as possible way outside the target zone, she would have an hour trip to get to her target location.
The mech landed with a soft thump which was blocked out by the roar of her jump jets which activated to lessen the impact. She checked her systems and made sure all the ECM and ECCM packs where running before she turned to her target location and went full throttle manoeuvring through the mountainous terrain. At least the chance that a far out patrol would spot her was minimal. As she went her passive sensors worked hard trying to make sense of the data they could pick up, at time they lighted up with a possible mech and Julia would make a go around to make sure she would not be detected. An hour later she had sight on her target location.

The small space port was lightly defended and if it had any sensors its own emissions would make it very hard for them to detect even an heavy mech, let alone a light mech set up for stealth. Of course no one would suspect a mech in their own colours and Julia’s Raven had been repainted to do just that. So at a patrol speed she walked towards the space port, the single mech patrolling the direct perimeter was on the other side. She walked around her small beacon launcher firing on compressed air she marked the ports defence installations. It took her 30min to mark them all and because of the special launcher no one noticed anything the surrounding sound overwhelming the pop sound of her launcher. Of course maintenance crews would detect the beacons, but they had just done their weekly check 2 days ago so they should be fine.
Jullia checked her Intel the mech on patrol should be north so she headed south, even her sensors where useless here. As she crossed the perimeter the mech on patrol crossed the corner and spotted her. Seconds later she received a radio transmission to send her name and ID and explain why she was there. She acted up as if her radio was not working to well and waited for the mech to get into range, it stopped just 30m in front of her mech the hunchback had all its weapons focused on her raven. She knew the operation was blown, but she was not planning to die or be captured right there.

Only armed with a single SRM launcher she had one shot, she aided for the hostile mechs cockpit and pushed her trigger and went to full throttle right away. Her strike was not enough to kill the hostile mech, but it did distract him for a few seconds enough for Julia to get up to speed and make a dash for the hills, she ran in a zig zag pattern as the hunchback unleashed it’s weapons on her, but only a single laser strike hit her back armour which boiled off due the hit, but her main systems remained functional. Shortly after she was in the hills heading towards her extraction point, she send a single coded message confirming that the operation was blown, she sure would get to hear more about it, but right now her mind was focussed on the task of evading mechs which where powering up and trying to find her.

#2 RogueFox

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 09:18 PM

I like the spirit of the story and think you have a good character started but I see a couple of flaws that interupt the flow. First off, is her name Julia or Jaine? Secondly you need to do some spell checking. I would love to read the rewrite.

#3 Chiyeko Kuramochi

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 01:13 AM

A character name wrong I can fix that as for spelling, well spell checker went over it the rest is up to dyslexia and for all the love in the world I could read it a 100 times and still not see those mistakes :)

Thanks for the feedback.

#4 LordDeathStrike

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 01:21 AM

O GOD THE SPELLING, SOMEONE SPELL CHECK FOR THE LOVE OF ENGLISH!

#5 Blair

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:04 PM

One suggestion I'd give you also is to find ways to break those paragraphs up a bit. People's attention spans aren't what they used to be, and unless you're Nathaniel Hawthorne, you aren't going to be able to get away with very large chunks of text.

Try to break them up either with dialogue, even if it's just the character talking to herself, or whenever there's a shift in tone or action. This will give smaller, easier to read chunks, and help things feel like they're moving a long quickly.

Lastly, keep writing! That's the best way to improve, and you're off to a great start, looking forward to more!





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