32 replies to this topic

[Oni Ralas]

Once upon a time, there was a little mech called the Raven. All her friends would tease her because she wasn't the coolest light on the block. That mean upperclass chick Jenner T. Jumpsalot would call her means names, and kick sand her face. No one wanted to play with poor Raven. She, and her friend Spider, would sulk alone in low depths of the mech rankings. "Some day" she told Spider - "Some day, everyone will know our names"


So she wished, and wished, and wished upon a bright star. Then, something amazing happened! Her fairy mechmother came down from the heavens and said "Fear not little Raven, for I shall make you better!". The Raven was so happy it wept little mech tears of joy. "Will you make me as good as that mean mech Jenner Jumpsalot?" the little mech wimpered. "Why yes, I will!" said her fairy mechmother. "I will bestow on you the gift of ECM. And it shall make you unstoppable" she said with a grin across her crooked mechmouth. Raven was overcome with glee at the thought of being useful "I will make you so good, that even a one armed chimpanzee on meth could win a match with you!" Mechmother said as she began to glow. "...wait what?" Raven asked, but with a wave of her dev wand, the little Raven was given the gift of ECM.

Oh how the Raven did strut. "Look at me!" she cried with pride in her heart - but alas, no one could look at her. For the ECM made her invisible. Angry, she began to lash out with her SSRM2's and MLAS. Other mechs, who had always been so mean to her, vanished into puffs of smoke and steel. Amazed at her new found power, little Raven began to be more and more bold. She would attack things 5 times her size and laugh as they could do nothing about it. Oh the revenge was sweet! she thought to her self. Until one day, word of her exploits got around.

Her friend Spider saw what she was becoming and warned her "Raven! Raven! Do not give into hate! That leads to the dark side of the forums...". But Raven would not give up her quest of destruction, and she kicked Spider in the face. "You, you INSECT! You do not dare speak to the powerful Raven 3L in that tone!". Poor Spider slank off back into the darkness...

All of a sudden, it struck her - Fairy Mechmother's words were coming to pass. It was true - even a one armed chimp on Meth could use her and win. She was passed around like the collection plate in Rome. Everyone wanted a piece of this easy "Good time Gal" now. All her self worth was whisked out of the window. In her desire to become popular, she had given up all that made her what she was. It now took no skill to play with her. She thought herself a god amongst mechs - but she was merely amazing to those who were amused by the color orange, or shiny objects.

"What have I done!" She cried. "Mechmother! Mechmother please! I need your help!" as she pleaded for assistance. Her fairy mechmother appeared and said "Dear child... do you wish for me to return you to the way you were?" Raven didn't want to go back to the way she was, but didn't want to be like this. After months of deliberation and debating, she finally accepted a compromise. She would no longer be the OP machine that the one armed chimp on meth would drive...but she was happy. Perhaps with a little effort, some day people would realize how good she could be, if given the right chance. And for a time, all was well in the realm of Mechlandia.



From the shadows it crept. "I hate her" it sobbed. "I hate all of them... I want them to die!" it lamented. "Whom - whom do you want dead?" a voice rang out. Startled, Spider nearly jumped clear out of it's cave. "Who are you!?" he asked sheepishly. "Oh my little Jumping Spider... I am your Fairy Mechmother. And I will grant you wish....I will give you the power to take your revenge". Spider just stared at her, unsure what to say at first. "y-you will? You will make me bigger and give me bigger guns?" he replied with a small turn of his head "No" she said, "I will give you something even better! Broken hitboxes". "Broken....hitboxes?" he asked, puzzled by her reply. "Yes my Spider friend. I shall bestow on you the gift of broken hitboxes! With it, you shall defeat your enemies in glorious combat!". As Mechmother began to glow, her light filled the Spider's dark cave "and you shall be so good, even a one armed chimpanzee on meth could win with you..."



{TO BE CONTINUED}

[Wintersdark]

This post is so full of win, I can't possibly like it enough. I'm tempted toake extra accounts just to like it more.

[Flashbulb]

This is the absolute best thing I've ever read!

[Risko Vinsheen]

But the Spider isn't the only one with hit registration issues... The Commando has them, too. (Three AC/20 shots to the center torso of an unmoving Death's Knell with 0 damage registered.) And I've shot quite a few other mechs with minimal effects.

It's not just the Spider...

[Sasha Volkova]

Oh my, I may not like you, but this was nonetheless an interesting read.

[Sephlock]

[Ryokens leap]

Yep, 10/10. I'm in awe.

[Oni Ralas]

Risko Vinsheen, on 07 August 2013 - 07:13 PM, said:

But the Spider isn't the only one with hit registration issues... The Commando has them, too. (Three AC/20 shots to the center torso of an unmoving Death's Knell with 0 damage registered.) And I've shot quite a few other mechs with minimal effects.

It's not just the Spider...

Shhhh....just go with it....



(PS: This is the kind of stuff I do when I start drinking. I actually have 300 pages worth of a book written...maybe some day I'll actually do something with it )

[Corvus Antaka]

the spider just has "tiny" hitboxes, not broken ones

[Risko Vinsheen]

Oni Ralas, on 07 August 2013 - 07:32 PM, said:

Shhhh....just go with it....



(PS: This is the kind of stuff I do when I start drinking. I actually have 300 pages worth of a book written...maybe some day I'll actually do something with it )

Oh don't get me wrong, I did find it funny and it was very well written.

I just wish people would stop screaming 'nerf the Spider' when it's a victim like the rest of the mechs.

[MonkeyCheese]

Again its broken netcode/HSR/lag not the hitboxes...

[Wintersdark]

MonkeyCheese, on 07 August 2013 - 08:51 PM, said:

Again its broken netcode/HSR/lag not the hitboxes...

Yup. People often confuse the issue - hitbox issues apply to mechs like the Awesome, or Kitaro, where the relative sizes of the hitboxes are borked. Mechs like the spider have no hitbox issues, they have hit registration issues - a result of netcode/hsr issues as Mr. Cheese here said.

[Sug]

tldr

[Johnny Reb]

I wonder which mech will get the next blessing? Flea? Locust? Urbie! Ala, Uber Urbie!

[Sam Slade]

awesome... renameing my Spider Gollum

[HereticalPsycho]

just here to say... um... that was amazing... if that's the result of you drinking I wish I could buy you a beer

[Oni Ralas]

Morning gents! Thanks for the feedback - I noticed a few flow errors in the story but I'll leave them as is for now. Heh...good times.

[Narcissistic Martyr]

Reminds me of the stories I used to tell my cousins when they where small. Thanks for that.

[LordDante]

i guess this makes me the monkey .. can somone hand me the meth plz

[BarHaid]

Risko Vinsheen, on 07 August 2013 - 07:56 PM, said:

Oh don't get me wrong, I did find it funny and it was very well written.

I just wish people would stop screaming 'nerf the Spider' when it's a victim like the rest of the mechs.

BLAME THE VICTIM!!