0
After watching it this afternoon I just had to share my experience. It's not often you get a movie like this so it deserves special efforts. If you don't want to know anything about the movie now is the time to quit this Thread. You were warned.
Wow! Godzilla is a dog. I mean it....literally a dog. My daughter and I concluded that somehow the producers got a picture of my daughters Chihuahua's head and used it as the basis for the CGI Godzilla. Seriously, Lawyers might get involved.
My son and daughter came along with me and this is just my opinion, but Godzilla 2014 sucks. Fortunately it's the good kind of suckage, something so ridiculously bad you can enjoy it. We talked about the "flaming train" sized plot holes all the way home (its a 30 minute drive) and laughed our faces off.
The CGI is good, the monster is one big MOFO. So many crude analogies, such monumentally dumb scenes that it's bound to be a classic. You know a movie is going to be bad when they bill Brian Cranston as the big star, and he gets lots of trailer time. I'm not saying he's no good, he does a fine job, but I'm pretty sure he took their money before he read the script and then turned around and said, "Fine, I'm in, but I need to be dead as soon as possible". It was not quite as quick a death as Jamie Fox got in the stinker that was STEALTH, but it was alright.
Some funny parts;
- The Military makes the obvious conclusion that, "Hey, you guys saw this thing, you must be experts on it by now" and takes them along.
- They need to get some nukes to San Francisco pronto, so naturally someone says "Lets' send them by TRAIN, a slow one!" While we are it it, lets make an analog detonator for the bombs that is the size of a friking BAR FRIDGE so people can see the gears and stuff!
- Bit later on they seemingly figure out that the whole train idea was dumb and they detach the warhead and, TAAAA DAAAA, sling it with a Heli!
- If the main character made eye contact with one of these monsters one more time I'm pretty sure there was going to be drinks, flowers, a torrid sex scene and someone was going to be making "the walk of shame" later on (more on that later). Holy crap....seriously...we are tiny but evidently very very suspicious looking!
- If you wait for it to come out on Pay for View video, get the unrated version 'cus I'm confident you will see a more graphic scene of "Giant, gravid female Monster strokes her junk with a nuclear missle and them makes love to it". PG version was just a little foreplay and then they cut away before she got "jiggy with it".
- Late in the show, the female monster is seriously sad and sulking in the center of the city in a very deep hole while the fires burn, the city crumbles, and the marines load the nuke (which they miraculously hand bombed the warhead out of this hole, mosyed thru the totally destroyed City and load it on a boat to get it out of the City. Did I mention they had about 27 minutes? Did they learn NOTHING from the whole TRAIN episode?
- Anyhow there the poor critter is crying in her monster soup in the center of the decaying City, far from the waterfront when they start the boat engine. Start it TOO LOUDLY I guess cus that gets her moving again! Those damn suspicious little human things are stealing my lover, umm ***** (cucumber shaped object type word), my nuke dammit!
-AT this point our hero gets to the docks, and notices some of his comrade bravely firing their rifles at the 300 foot tall beasty (evidently they are convinced small weapons fire will accomplish more than that silly nuke) to distract it, so he brave runs straight to them alllllmost as fast as the monster who shamelessly eats them all just before he can get there to help by yelling at it harshly or maybe flipping the bird at it. Not sure.
- He gets on the boat, gets it on auto-pilot out of the harbour (did I mention there was only 27 minutes on the timer and that I'm pretty sure this part of the movie took longer?) and lies on his back. Surprise! That 300 footer ***** can catch him so he draws his HANDGUN!! "*****, who you messing with? I will kill you!"
- Whew! Godzilla shows up just in time, takes that ***** out and we get the subtle comparison of our brave hero falling to his side and collapsing, followed shortly thereafter by Godzilla, he musta thought he was playing "Simon Says", does the exact same fall. Soon after he is raised Christ-like into a (wait for it....wait......wait....) FREAKING HELICOPTER, and raised up in a beam of light into the heaven that is that damn Chopper! Didn't any of these idiots watch the last Batman movie? HELICOPTERS YOU DIPSHITS!!!
- I almost forgot the Lone Japanese Advisor who looks sad and warns them not to use nukes, then looks sad again, (mouth hanging open a lot in these shots FYI).
- I almost wept when Godzilla gets up a few days later, trundles carefully through the wreckage of San Francisco, probably not stepping on anyone important at all, and is hailed as the hero of their City. "Hey, thanks big fella! You did some serious urban renewal on our City for us!
I could go on, I already know it's getting in TL/DR territory, but that's it. Would I recommend it? Yes, strangely enough I would cus it just fits in that special little sliver of Cinema that is known as "So Bad, it's Good". Maybe they did it to pay homage to the original Japanese made B Movies of which I spent much of my childhood watching on Saturday afternoons.
Edited by TLBFestus, 17 May 2014 - 07:39 PM.
Another part was that the early movie used so much time to demonstrate the size of male MUTO comparing to human - the tip of its limb was about as large as an Humvee - and then there's the scene when the male first met the female, as he was delivering the nuclear-lovebomb to the female...and you realize the female is about twice as large.
