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This is difficult for me to write, i don't know why I'm doing this actually. I guess i could say nothing and just hide in the anonymity that an online forum pretends to offer, but, i think that my behaviour over the last few months needs some explanation. I'm not after sympathy or acceptance. I just think that i owe an explanation, do with it what you will.
I work in a high stress, high fatigue career, which over the last decade, but particularly the last 6 months or so has imparted a couple of gifts on me. One being irritable bowel syndrome, the others being post Traumatic Stress Disorder, insomnia and depression. What a great combination this is proving to be. -EDIT- i don't want this to sound like I'm a servicemen either, because I'm not
PTSD is something that i find very hard to explain. You (well at least this is how it effects me) feel like a piece of cloth that is frayed at the edges, like a knitted will scarf that is slowly unraveling, You know that feeling that stitching gives when it comes undone? I feel like that all the time. And its not like I'm an angry stubborn mule all the time, generally I'm ok, but when your tired or stressed, it's like a switch goes off and you get angry, really angry. It feels like a dark cloud sweeps over you from head to foot. I have been calling it "the fog" lately, and you just feel out of control. Not out of control in punching walls (though i am on my second monitor for the year - Mr BenQ did not handle it very well) but you just feel angry. And i would like to say i retain a bit of self control but its not always the case, and then you get typing in the game chat and start flaming people or whinging in forums or trolling anti vaccination sites on facebook << actually, this is kinda fun at times.
Unfortunately for me my trigger seems to be sleep debt / fatigue - good, shift workers never have either of these
. On the occasion I do drink, I drink in excess, to the point i can actually get to sleep and it when I'm tired and bored and starting to unravel that i get on the computer. I guess that's part of my point, i don't get angry with MWO, i get onto MWO online because I'm angry? Makes no sense huh.....and then, god forbid, someone actually has a go at me because i am being an ass-hat i get all defensive like some stupid school kid. this ridiculous "everyones out to get me" paranoia that i have grown over the last few months, its unbelievably stupidI even wrote to PGI and asked if they could remove the in game chat function remotely because i just don't have the self discipline to turn it off and leave it off.
Anyway, that's enough. If i have offended you in any way over the last year please understand that i do feel guilt and i do know its wrong, i try i really do. but sometimes things just get the better of me. I know, no excuse, not meant to be.
Not sure why i feel compelled to write this, not after sympathy, i don't know, but i apologies to anyone I have been a nuisance to, feel free to tell me to shut it in the future
TL:DR
Yak
Edited by FatYak, 02 May 2015 - 06:40 PM.
