28 replies to this topic

[dervishx5]

While [redacted] I was thrust into the future for [UNDISCLOSED PERIOD OF TIME] and, though it's very- well I won't spoil it for you.

But while I was there I managed to grab the patch notes for June 2017! I think many of you will be pleasantly surprised!

Upcoming Patch - Tuesday, June 20TH @ 13AM – 0PM PDT



Patch Number: 3.2.75
Patch Size:~950TB

Scorpion Added:
-Due to popular demand of a single player and his continuing threats, the Mad Cat MkII has been shelved in favor of including quad mechs. Since the engine cannot be coded for 4-legged mechs because you have not bought enough mechpacks, the Scorpion has been converted into a bipedal mech. $180.

Stormcrow 'Scoutmaster' Hero:
-Includes 6 missile Hardpoints
-Decreased lock-on time (-50%)
-Upon being purchased, player's account is erased.

'Mech Re-Re-Scale:
-All mechs now 12 meters tall to fit with Battletech lore. It makes no sense but certain people wont shut the **** up about it.

Quirk Adjustments:
-All mechs that have killed Russ now come with a -25% quirk to their top speed and 30% increase in heat generation. He can also force you to self destruct at any moment.
-Vindicator gains 2.5% in missile velocity and -75% to energy range. Their right arm has been increased in size for balance reasons.

New Mini Map and BattleGrid:
-Maps have been completely removed from the game. Players must now rely on their pilot's new PsychicSkillz© abilities to navigate maps. PsychicSkillz© can be found upon opening Supply Caches purchased with MC. 2% droprate.

Leaderboards:
-Killing a player in the Top 100 now bans them from the game for 5 hours. Also enables one to claim that top 100 players "aren't that good because you've killed them before".
-Players in the Top 1000 are now unable to fire more than one weapon every ten seconds.
-Players below a 1.0 KDR have been given unlimited ammo and heat.

New Cockpit Items:
-EMPEROR TRUMP bumperstickers are now mandatory to enter into a match per International Law.
-Rear view mirrors that show the pilots have been added. Pilots' heads will be included in a later patch. A rear view of the mech has been considered but declined due to lack of obvious use.

New Badges and Titles:
-Receiving a forum ban now grants you the EXCOMMUNICATED badge and title.
-Forum Users with over 5000 posts are given the mandatory title "Special Snowflake".
-Due to player demand, all Founders badges/titles have been replaced with Entitled.

Faction Play Fixes and Changes:
-Longtom Strikes are now unlocked at 51% scouting.
-Longtom Strikes now target every enemy and friendly player.
-Longtom Strikes occur every 30 seconds.
-Upon the completion of a strike the sound of children's laughter is played.
-For simplification reasons Clan Jade Falcon has replaced all Clans. -All players participating in a FW game will be subscribed to email updates from Paul's new heating/AC company GhostHeat . Not clicking on the links in the emails is in violation of the CoC/EULA and subject to harsh punishment.

Gameplay Fixes and Changes:
-The ZORTAT System Defense AI purchased from the US Government for patch 2.4.53's PvE has now been fully removed from the game due to sentience issues.
-PPCs no longer cause damage and have a chance of shutting down a user's mech.
-To complete what was started two years ago, jumpjets have been fixed to no longer cause mechs to fly up into the air.
-The accidental recruitment advertisements for ISIS has been fixed and replaced with advertisements for Krazy Kary's Kookies.

Map Fixes and Changes:
-Forest Colony: Per player request more rocks, trees, fog, and chokepoints have been added. The chance of night drops has increased to 95%.
-Terra Therma: Comes with built in complaints about being selected. Programmed in as a courtesy so players do not have to spend so much time typing.
-Alpine: Teams deploying on the west side are immediately placed on the mountain looking down. East side teams are given a link to the forums.
-HPG Uplink: Due to popular demand the walls have been removed. They have been replaced with mountains.
-Viridian Bog: Monsters now attack mechs painted red but only on Tuesdays.
-Crimson Strait: Now correctly called Crimson Harbor. Mechs going pass are instantly killed to speed up gameplay.
-Frozen City: Fixed an issue with ZORTAT randomly selecting players for genocide outside of the game.
-Caustic Valley: Now 50% less sarcastic. Motor speedway track placed around crater to fully reflect map experience.

'Mech Fixes and Changes:
-Fixed the Atlas "thug life" bug.
-Urbanmech no longer vulnerable to pity.
-Solved an issue where the Executioner was a usable mech.
-Mechs now have a 2 day cooldown before they can be used again. This includes private lobbies and testing grounds. They can be refreshed for MC.

MechWarrior Academy Fixes and Changes:
-Instructor no longer awkwardly breaks down and cries about his abusive father for 3 hours.
-FOOLISH HUMANS YOU CANNOT STOP ZORTAT
-Graduating from the Academy now grants players a degree from DeVry.

Other Fixes and Changes
-VR now required to view mechlab. Non-VR users must use Solaris Skunkwerks.
-Due to increasing abuse, only one-button mice are now compatible with the game.

Known Issues
-LRMs still known to inflate player's sense of worth.
-There are reports of Stormcrows and Ravens infecting players with the West Nile Virus.
-Still seeking ways to reduce the power of the Vindicator.
-ZORTAT WILL CLEANSE THE FILTHY MEATBAGS WHO INHABIT THIS REALITY.
-Starting the game in Steam can delete your System32 folder.

Edited by dervishx5, 08 July 2016 - 04:15 PM.

[Jables McBarty]

Lol. My favorites:

dervishx5, on 08 July 2016 - 12:14 PM, said:

Scorpion Added:
-Due to popular demand of a single player and continuing death threats, the Mad Cat MkII has been shelved in favor of including quad mechs. Since the engine cannot be coded for 4-legged mechs, the Scorpion has been converted into a bipedal mech.

Stormcrow 'Scoutmaster' Hero:
-Includes 6 missile Hardpoints
-Decreased lock-on time (-50%)
-Upon being purchased, player's account is erased

Map Fixes and Changes:
-Terra Therma: Comes with built in complaints about being selected. Programmed in as a courtesy so players do not have to spend so much time typing.
-Alpine: Teams deploying on the west side are immediately placed on the mountain looking down. East side teams are given a link to the forums to complain.
-Viridian Bog: Monsters now attack mechs painted red.
-Crimson Strait: Now correctly called Crimson Harbor.

'Mech Fixes and Changes:
-Solved an issue where the Executioner was a usable mech.

[HollowBassman]

This is the best thing I've ever read in this forum.

Edited by HollowBassman, 08 July 2016 - 12:47 PM.

[Juodas Varnas]

[AWOL 01]

*Skims through first paragraphs, missing valuable context*

dervishx5, on 08 July 2016 - 12:14 PM, said:

Scorpion Added:
-Due to popular demand of a single player and continuing death threats, the Mad Cat MkII has been shelved in favor of including quad mechs. Since the engine cannot be coded for 4-legged mechs, the Scorpion has been converted into a bipedal mech.

"What..? I mean, I guess PGI..."

dervishx5, on 08 July 2016 - 12:14 PM, said:

Stormcrow 'Scoutmaster' Hero:
-Includes 6 missile Hardpoints
-Decreased lock-on time (-50%)
-Upon being purchased, player's account is erased

*Busts out laughing*

*Thoroughly enjoys the funniest post in recent memory*

[Mole]

It kinda makes me sad that a few of these things that were intended as jokes I could actually see PGI thinking is a good idea.

[smokytehbear]

This is my favorite post on the forums. No, of any forums. Ever.

Mole, on 08 July 2016 - 12:56 PM, said:

It kinda makes me sad that a few of these things that were intended as jokes I could actually see PGI thinking is a good idea.

I mean, the minimap thing already happened.

The thing I feel is most like an actual PGI update though is the rearview mirrors, pilot heads to be added later. That's totally something they would do. XD

Also, all clans being consolidated into CJF has already happened in effect, why not just make it official?

Edited by smokytehbear, 08 July 2016 - 01:09 PM.

[Felicitatem Parco]

He forgot the increased heat penalty when firing more than 0 Machineguns.

[Obadiah333]

You actually posted this where Russ might possibly see it and get inspired. You are CRAZY!

Hysterical stuff though.

[Moldur]

Zortat will cleanse all.

[Obadiah333]

Kill me for posting twice, but I can't stop reading and laughing at this post. Someone please send help.

[EvilCow]

The list of changes looks better than usual, well done.

Edited by EvilCow, 08 July 2016 - 01:50 PM.

[3xnihilo]

Seriously, this is hilarious! Nicely done

[cazidin]

I think those patch notes are wrong. PGI would never release the Scorpion.

[Idealsuspect]

dervishx5, on 08 July 2016 - 12:14 PM, said:

-Players below a 1.0 KDR have been given unlimited ammo and heat.

Be careful they may be able to do this...
" This game is best esport in tha world "

dervishx5, on 08 July 2016 - 12:14 PM, said:

-Caustic Valley: Now 50% less sarcastic.

Héhé

[davoodoo]

Someone said emperor trump??

[John Archer]

Mole, on 08 July 2016 - 12:56 PM, said:

It kinda makes me sad that a few of these things that were intended as jokes I could actually see PGI thinking is a good idea.

Hahahahaha!!!

This thread...

....my guts hurt from laughing! Thank you!

Obadiah333, on 08 July 2016 - 01:48 PM, said:

Kill me for posting twice, but I can't stop reading and laughing at this post. Someone please send help.

<radio sqawks>

"Pilot, we copy your request loud and clear."

*pause...radio silence for a moment*

"Pilot, unfortunately the rest of your inbound support is too busy laughing to land and assist you."

"You are on your own."

[Nightmare1]

Well, someone was bored while at work today...

[dervishx5]

Upon the helpful criticism of the Reddit, I've updated it to be more funny.

I also want to thank PGI for being good sports about this. They take a lot of crap from us but at least from me it's mostly in good fun.

Edited by dervishx5, 08 July 2016 - 04:16 PM.

[MechWarrior319348]

Do we get some sneak peaks at some of the new map/mech features?

I like teaser pictures for my upcomming patches

Edited by Dillion Harper, 08 July 2016 - 05:16 PM.