8 replies to this topic

[DaZur]

Preface: I started writing this shortly after the release the the infamous MW trailer on a lark...


Inside the left ankle service portal of a well worn Shadow Hawk, the hunched silhouette of a woman sitting cross-legged in the cramped confines can be seen against the stark white LED wash of light from a techs work lantern within. The loose fitting grease soiled beige mechanics jump suite does little to hide her athletic build nor does it disguise the fact that she is a woman. Her blonde hair is pulled back into a neat ponytail that accentuates her high cheek bones and gives way to her piercing blue eyes and supple lips. A strikingly beautiful look one would expect of a fashion model strutting on a runway in one of the snooty socialite gatherings on Solaris, not elbow deep in the narrow confines of an aging medium class Battlemech.

Reaching somewhat awkwardly under a loose myomer bundle that has fallen lazily across the medial actuator of the ankle joint, she gropes blindly sweeping left to right, straining to reach a sizable shoulder bolt she just recently mishandled and dropped. As she stretches forward in attempt to reach just a fraction deeper into the structure, an azure arc of static electricity reaches out from the myomer bundle and touches the back of her right hand causing her to instinctively and violently yank it away from the source in such a way that anyone in the nearby vicinity would have thought she had severed her hand. “DAMN IT!” she howls while rubbing the scorch mark on the back of her hand before muttering something about forgetting to ground the ambient charge in the neural net before beginning repairs like a tool-bit noob...

She adjusts her seated position slightly and extends her arm forward again and easily avoids repeating her painful gaff as she deftly extricates the offending piece of fastening hardware. With the shoulder bolt in hand, she grabs a ceramic insulator ring from her lap, to which she nimbly slides around a dozen inch-thick myomer bundles and begins the task of affixing these loose bundles to a honeycombed guide beam just above the ankle joint. As she toils with hand threading the bolt to avoid cross-threading it, she glances over her left shoulder and barks in a startling loud voice one would not expect from a woman, to another tech across the bay; “Hey Mike!.. When you fill out the repair log for “Lt. I’m too f***ing cool to float my landings when I descend from a jump”… Make sure to note the fine motor bundle stays for the anterior and medial bundles snapped again making this the fourth replacement this week and that if he wouldn’t mind feathering his landings I’d be immensely appreciative”. “Got it… defective ceramic stays noted in the left ankle assembly, take it easy on J-hops” he responds with a teasing snicker. “*ss kisser!” she quips playfully back at him as she moves onto the two remaining damaged stays...

>> To be continued <<

Edited by DaZur, 09 August 2012 - 05:43 AM.

[Kip Wilson]

Great start! very descriptive and looking forward to reading more. You bring the BT to live more in a few sentences than many books. One small constructive critique.... paragraphs are your friend

[DaZur]

Kip Wilson, on 07 August 2012 - 09:52 PM, said:

Great start! very descriptive and looking forward to reading more. You bring the BT to live more in a few sentences than many books. One small constructive critique.... paragraphs are your friend

Thanks for the nice comments. "Paragraphs"... will do.

[Xaj]

Not bad. Obviously it's tough to get much information out in just a few sentences, but the piece rambles and doesn't really tell a story. Why is this character important? Why are we following her grease-monkey workday? Where is the story going?

If you can answer those questions, you've got a story worth telling and worth reading.

When you are trying to do a really short fiction piece (known as flash fiction), you have to really consolidate your material. You've got a very good description of your character in the first paragraph, something you would expect to see in a long piece such as a novel, but in flash fiction you can't afford to use such a lengthy description. Try to consolidate it as much as possible, and remember that punctuation, grammar, and proper formating go a long way to immersing your reader.

Good luck!

[DaZur]

Xaj, on 10 August 2012 - 01:50 PM, said:

Not bad. Obviously it's tough to get much information out in just a few sentences, but the piece rambles and doesn't really tell a story. Why is this character important? Why are we following her grease-monkey workday? Where is the story going?

If you can answer those questions, you've got a story worth telling and worth reading.

When you are trying to do a really short fiction piece (known as flash fiction), you have to really consolidate your material. You've got a very good description of your character in the first paragraph, something you would expect to see in a long piece such as a novel, but in flash fiction you can't afford to use such a lengthy description. Try to consolidate it as much as possible, and remember that punctuation, grammar, and proper formating go a long way to immersing your reader.

Good luck!

Thanks for the feedback and critique... Much appreciated.

I started this writing with intent to pen a novel. I have a lot of bits and pieces that now need to be joined together as my writing style hinges on writing in fits and starts as ideas come to me. I do actually have a full fleshed story... It just needs to be assembled essentially.

The short example I posted above actually has much more to it and does begin explaining the who, what, where and why...

Edited by DaZur, 11 August 2012 - 09:14 PM.

[Xaj]

Fair enough, so when are we gonna get to see it?

[DaZur]

Xaj, on 13 August 2012 - 10:02 AM, said:

Fair enough, so when are we gonna get to see it?

Well...

If I'm to take this to a publisher some day... Would be silly to post the whole kit & caboodle in the forum eh?

Actually I'm flipping through my bits picking tasty morsels for consumption. The next entry will explain who the woman is and why she's wrenching on old Mechs...

[Xaj]

DaZur, on 13 August 2012 - 10:37 AM, said:

Well...

If I'm to take this to a publisher some day... Would be silly to post the whole kit & caboodle in the forum eh?

Actually I'm flipping through my bits picking tasty morsels for consumption. The next entry will explain who the woman is and why she's wrenching on old Mechs...

I'm currently a creative writing student working my way up as well towards becoming a professional. You have very little to fear regarding anyone stealing your ideas, and if the story is any good you can always get it printed. You can always copyright the material if you are really worried about it, but this isn't done too much for writers that haven't already 'made it'. I have a bit of passion for battletech, and I'm very nearly done with my 4 year bachelors, and I wouldn't mind helping you out if your open to that.

If you're trying to scare up some interest in your novel (or potential novel) and are trying to use the forum to get that attention, you will have to release something, but it doesn't have to be the whole book. My current strategy is to start a mini series and make frequent short story posts on this forum, for example.

[DaZur]

Xaj, on 13 August 2012 - 03:44 PM, said:

I'm currently a creative writing student working my way up as well towards becoming a professional. You have very little to fear regarding anyone stealing your ideas, and if the story is any good you can always get it printed. You can always copyright the material if you are really worried about it, but this isn't done too much for writers that haven't already 'made it'. I have a bit of passion for battletech, and I'm very nearly done with my 4 year bachelors, and I wouldn't mind helping you out if your open to that.

If you're trying to scare up some interest in your novel (or potential novel) and are trying to use the forum to get that attention, you will have to release something, but it doesn't have to be the whole book. My current strategy is to start a mini series and make frequent short story posts on this forum, for example.

I appreciate the offer and welcome any assistance and or critique. Thank-You.

I started writing this on a suggestion from my brother-in-laws good friend who is now a well published Sci-Fantasy author. He thought the premise of the protagonist, her back story and the events set in motion as a result were interesting and something new and fresh to the BT universe. As you can tell... I'm no professional writer and surely not an English major... Just someone with a good idea, a flair of penning a readable paragraph and a love of BT.

Edited by DaZur, 14 August 2012 - 04:34 AM.