915 replies to this topic

[Big Tin Man]

1254: The grading system in the mechwarrior academy is actually a pass/fail system. Shiny and Chrome is a pass, and #MEDIOCRE is a fail.

1255: Shiny and Chrome a grade and is not a paint suggestion. Painting your mech Shiny and Chrome is a bad idea. In fact, it is the opposite of camouflage and will get you killed.

[SnagaDance]

Big Tin Man, on 02 February 2016 - 12:03 PM, said:

1255: Shiny and Chrome a grade and is not a paint suggestion. Painting your mech Shiny and Chrome is a bad idea. In fact, it is the opposite of camouflage and will get you killed.

[Rogue Jedi]

Big Tin Man, on 02 February 2016 - 12:03 PM, said:

1254: The grading system in the mechwarrior academy is actually a pass/fail system. Shiny and Chrome is a pass, and #MEDIOCRE is a fail.

1255: Shiny and Chrome a grade and is not a paint suggestion. Painting your mech Shiny and Chrome is a bad idea. In fact, it is the opposite of camouflage and will get you killed.

1255a. however the shiny Chromium finish does seem to slightly reduce the effectiveness of lasers, perhaps our scientists could use that to assist in the creation of armor with more laser resistance.

[Tustle]

1256: The following are a list of unwritten rules they don't seem to bother telling new recruits at the academy;

• Do not tug on Super Mech's cape. Private Clark's techs already have enough headaches as is getting it on just right for him.
  
• Don't spit in the wind of an atmospheric planet. Mostly because you don't know what's mixing with your spittle as it hits your face.
  
• Do not pull the masking off the old Lone Ranger memorial's controls; it gives it and I quote from the museum caretakers, "that new DropShip smell which is all shiny and bright(?)." Last but certainly not least;
  
• Don't mess with Corporal Jim Walker's salvaged Daishi, affectionately named "Slim."

Edited by Tank Man, 18 February 2016 - 06:29 PM.

[jonfett]

Thanks for this. This is literally the best thread ever and really made my afternoon.

[Rogue Jedi]

1257. do not start reading non combat tips if you need to get anything done the rest of the day.

1258 you are advised against reading Non Combat Tips while in control of a any form of transportation or at work, this is due to the fact that falling out of your chair laughing in those situations may have negative consequences

1259. please do not ask your officers why the Archer, Marauder, Rifleman and Warhammer which were some of the most widely fielded Mechs in history recently started being seen at our base and on operations in nearby sectors these last few months, no-one knows why there were so few of them deployed to this area or why they are suddenly being deployed in such numbers.

1260. while it is true we are due to receive a batch of Phoenix Hawk Battlemechs in the next few months, there is no truth to the rumour they are experimental redesigns of the Phoenix Hawk Land Air Mech, also the project which created them was most definitely not called project Jetfire.
Also the person who found that old TV show featuring a Phoenix hawk LAM which was able to move with no pilot input is herby ordered to destroy all copies to prevent the rumours of Mechs which can move unpiloted from spreading beyond this base.

[Sparks Murphey]

jonfett, on 15 April 2016 - 02:20 PM, said:

Thanks for this. This is literally the best thread ever and really made my afternoon.

So I heard!

1261. Though Spiders are both small and quite jumpy for a BattleMech, they still weigh 30 tons, and are not really suitable for participation in existing hopscotch or jump rope tournaments.

1261a. Or any other jumping 'Mech, for that matter.

1262. There's a not-so-fine difference between "a salt shaker" and "assault Stalker". Bringing the first to a battle will get you killed. Bringing the second to a Successor Lord's dinner party will also get you killed.

[Tustle]

Marack Drock the Unicorn Wizard, on 22 April 2016 - 03:07 PM, said:

1264. The Great Unicorn of AHEAJDJASKFADJSFADSJF is also known as Tinkles and pilots a Hunchback-IIC-A-Prime-Alternate C-Timber Wolf-D-Bag-Rainbow-Farter. It is a rare and rather unheard of mech that kills its enemy using cinnamon rolls and rainbows.

Weaponized Cinnabons?!

Edited by Tank Man, 24 April 2016 - 04:21 PM.

[Ranger Dave]

1265. Pretending your Jenner is a snow speeder and making appropriate “wooshing noises” is acceptable on polar highlands
a) But not on open comms while the CO is listening
b Daishi’s are not AT-AT’s and no, the technicians will not fit your Jenner with cable launchers

1266. The colonists of Forest Colony are not small furry cannabilisitic teddy bears.
a) Greeting aforementioned colonists with 'Jub Jub' or 'Echuutah' is just likely to rile them up.
b Chasing riled up colonists with a lance of Locusts is never "Thematically appropriate".
c) Failure to comply with subsections a) & b will have consequences! Your CO has no wish to have to explain to their superiors why ANOTHER scouting lance was lost to log traps and ’hijackings by spear wielding natives’

Edited by Ranger Dave, 03 May 2016 - 07:20 PM.

[wanderer]

Quote

b Daishi’s are not AT-AT’s and no, the technicians will not fit your Jenner with cable launchers

1265c) Yes, we know there are actually harpoon SRMs. But those are for real whales, not Dire Whales.

Spoiler

Techmanual, pg. 230

[JarheadEd]

1266) Technical Notice:DTG50630502215Z
Attention, all Mechwarriors and Mech Techs. Spare capacitors from Clan ER PPC's are NOT to be wired into;

Command couch seat cushions.
Boarding ladders
Water fountains
Urinals
Sinks
Urinals
Inner linings of cooling vests
Urinals
Bar stools
Beer taps
Urinals.

End Message.

[Ranger Dave]

1268. Forces stationed at Forest Colony. If you go scouting the woods today, you are NOT going to find:
a) Kodiak's having a picnic.
b The 3 Kodiak's hangar
c) The Big Bad Direwolf
d) any other fairy tales supplanted with 100ton totem mechs
Please stop telling the new pilots this.

1268 addendum: If you DO find 100ton totem mechs on your scout patrol, they are not your imagination, we have a serious incursion! Notify Ops immediately!!

Edited by Ranger Dave, 16 May 2016 - 08:48 PM.

[IraqiWalker]

1269-a: If you keep harassing the drop ship captain, you have only yourself to blame for being on the wrong side of the airlock.
1269-b: You are airdropable. Your survival is not guaranteed.

[Sparks Murphey]

1270: The Assassin was, indeed, first built almost four centuries ago. The Templar, however, is a very new design. Stop challenging Templar pilots due to your "ancient rivalry".
1270a: Keep pushing it, and you might just learn exactly how "undying" your supposed Creed isn't.

[Tustle]

THREE YEARS _{and one month} LATER...?

1271: Nobody never _ever give Corporal Tank Man a pair of live wires coming from a PPC. Any PPC.
"it's aliiiiiive! Alive I tell you!"
1271-b: ESPECIALLY not these new-fandangled Heavy PPC's. He's a terror enough with them mounted on his Jagermech.

1272: If your enemy has a stock Fafnir FNR-5 anywhere in their ranks, being within 700 meters of that pilot's forward facing is a great way to perforate your brand new armor with brand new ventilation holes capable of reaching all the way into your internals! Please be advised that your mech techs will not appreciate this.
1272-b: Being within the sub-300 meter optimal distance meanwhile is like that same enemy Fafnir saying, "That's some mighty fine internals your 'mech has there; shame if something happened to them. LIKE ME."

1273: Remember all those old tips about not blasting music on all-comms? Yes? Good. It breaks the good(?) Corporal's heart to say this, but under no circumstances are you to blast the drop to the BFG Division on all-comms when firing your heaviest-hitting weapons group upon enemy forces either. No matter how thematically appropriate it is.

1274: "It's caked with blood and fat" is not a good enough reason to leave your Axman's Hatchet embedded in a downed enemy BattleMech. Especially if it's nowhere near the cockpit. Consider this tip applied to any 'mech with a bladed melee weapon.

1275: While it is possible for the techs to make a big-*** mace out of some bagpipes we must heavily discourage any infantry asking for this as an alternative to your standard-issue laser rifle. You commanding officer will not consider "but these can take out monsters like three or five times anyone's size!" as an excuse.
1275-b: Yes, many of us played that game when it came out. No, a 'Hunting Horn' is not a viable battlefield weapon. Playing it is not going to buff you, nor anyone nearby in your unit.
1275-c: Please seriously reconsider the viability of these so-called 'Bowguns' as well, please. And remember: your typical 31^st century armaments will seriously out-range anything you can field from these occasional engineering nightmares you call 'hunting weapons.'

[10-b: These are not the correct military designations for your Fafnir FNR-5's Heavy Gauss either, even if they are named "Thor's Hammers."]

Edited by Tank Man, 02 May 2020 - 10:32 AM.

[Ranger Dave]

1276: Stop telling the new recruits that an offer of Zellbrigen means 'I wish to personally surrender to you'

1277: Just because you somehow flipped your atlas into a handstand and it got stuck there, 'The gods condemned it to bear the weight of the world' is not a suitable excuse to your CO, nor is it mythologically accurate.

1278: Strapping rashers of bacon to the cockpit dash is not an acceptable method of heat tracking.

1279: The turrets on the Shrek PPC carriers are not to be removed and used as stumps for 'mech cricket'
a): The Mechtechs would like it repeated that the salvaged shadowhawk leg and urban mech ct component's do not make a suitable bat and ball.
1280: Red lining your MASC to be back at the barracks by happy hour is not permitted (unless you are CO)

1281: Please stop telling the new recruits that the Atlas uses urban mechs for spare coolant in a process known as 'cracking open a cold one'
a) Nor do Urbanmechs deploy in formations called a six-pack when accompanying assault lances
b ) Whoever painted the trainees urban mechs to look like Pharoah beer cans, this is NOT HELPING! (though seriously, nice job)

1282: Just because a JNR-IIC can be modified to fit 100 LRM launchers does not mean it should, 80LRMs on the other hand...

1281: The Locust plagues of Old Terra were not light mechs infested by rogue LosTech, nor were they responsible for the collapse of the Star League. The locals of this periphery backwater are twitchy enough as it is, pilots found terrifying them with these rumours can expect to pilot the company locust at the next local scrimmage.

1282: Baiting the enemy spider to be at the exact convergence of 42 srm launch tubes is acceptable reason for cackling like an evil villain, but make sure to hit fire first.

1283: Just because two snow raven battleships have been reported entering the system is not reason to start making 'attempted murder' puns over the comms, the murder will be very real once the Clan Ghost Bear forces begin landing.

1284: Please stop sending unsolicited pictures of the Atlas' AC20 mounting via the HPG network
1285: Despite what folks in Charlie lance might have told you, Fafnir do not have 'motion based vision like a t-rex'. Staying still in front of them is a very good way to find out what happens when your mechs center torso explodes.

1287: Quoting Edgar Allen Poe is not the secret to activating a Raven's stealth systems

1288: Carrying a Beagle in your cockpit will not grant amazing mech detection powers, neither is there a dog contained in a BAP, please stop asking the mech techs about this!

1289: For the last time, naval gauss is not an urban mech deployment system!

Edited by Ranger Dave, 13 November 2020 - 12:07 PM.