20 replies to this topic

[Rhaythe]

Here's a list of every mech in the game, and why I hate it.

DISCLAIMER: This post is intended for comedic effect only. I may or may not believe all the things I say in it.

Any Clan Mech:
Because it's a filthy Clan 'mech. Get out of our space, test-tubers. Go home, and take your shiny overheating buckets with you.

LIGHT MECHS:

LOCUST: Do you even count as a 'mech, my little Locust? I'm not entire sure if I'm supposed to climb into your cockpit or just put you on over my jumpsuit. Are you a 'mech so much as go-cart with small lasers attached?

COMMANDO: Dude. Do you even weapons bro? When even the Locust laughs at you, you have to question your existence.

SPIDER: ♬ Chasing spiders, and overheat...

URBANMECH: I can't hate you. But this is a hate thread, so... c'mon, you piece of trash! Do I gotta get out and push?! Just... get... over... this damned... hill... and... oh, great, the battle has waddled off another kilometer away, and I have an AC20 and small lasers. Let's start hiking again...

FIRESTARTER: Ah, more firestarters coming my way. Let's see... 8SPL... 8SPL... 8SPL... oh, hey, this bro took only 4 SPL and MGs... oh, it's an Ember. My mistake. Okay... 8SPL... 8SPL...

JENNER: I think I'm being clever and trying to build a standard-engine version of this light to surprise the enemy... but no, I forget I'm in a Jenner. It has no side torsos, and I just voluntarily gimped myself. Good show, self, good show. (NOTE: This hate may be out of date with last patch)

PANTHER: All these PPC quirks... and not one damn good build I can find with PPCs. Bad kitty.

RAVEN: And I thought the Firestarter was king of copy-paste builds. Oh no. No no no no no. Bravo, Ravens. All one of you out there, CTRL-V'ed a thousand times.

WOLFHOUND: It's like the designer of the Commando came along and said, "You know, what the Commy needed was maor lazzors. All the lazzors. All of them." Would a friggin' two-pack missile mount have been THAT FRIGGING PAINFUL to install?!

MEDIUM MECHS:

CICADA: All legs, all the time. Has any Cicada ever been killed by something that didn't involve the legs snapping in half like rotten toothpicks and the CT taking a nose-dive into the dirt? Somehow, I doubt it.

BLACKJACK: Aw, how cute. I bet you have dreams of being a Rifleman, don't you little guy? Maybe a big, bad tough Jagermech? Yeah, I'm sure you do.

VINDICATOR: Poptarting isn't dead. It's just been relegated to this little try-hard right here. Boing... pew. Boing... pew. Keep trying, little try-hard.

CENTURION: It's like someone at NAIS came along and said, "you know what we need? A medium 'mech that is ABSOLUTELY ALLERGIC to XL Engines."

CRAB: And I thought the Blackjack had delusions of being a bigger mech...

ENFORCER: You really want to be a Centurion, don't you? Yeah, yeah you do. Maybe if you lost some weight in that gut, fattie, you could be a big, broad Centurion. But no, keep waddling around with that AC20 on your arm. Makes for a great Halloween costume.

HUNCHBACK: I could mount an AC20 on a Locust, and it would have a smaller shoulder profile than you, you oversized walking Lego block! If the friggin Locust could even walk, that is. What did you install in that side torso? An office building?!

TREBUCHET: Data not found. 'Mech never piloted. Good friggin riddance.

GRIFFIN: You know what saves the day? More missiles. All the missiles. If a 'mech has problems, just give it missiles. You know who said all that? This little scrap-heap right here. Yeah, that one. The one with all the LASER HOLES BURNED IN IT!

KINTARO: God, you ugly. That is all.

SHADOWHAWK: Who needs peripheral vision? No really. When you can walk around an entire match zoomed-in the whole way and NOT MISS A DAMN THING in your peripheral vision because of the GIANT SLABS OF FERROCRETE lining the cockpit, you know you're in a Shadow Hawk.

WOLVERINE: It's like someone took a randomizer and just started flinging weapon mount-point types at this chassis willy-nilly, without a single thought for cohesion. It's the wet-pasta-sticking-to-the-walls version of BattleMechs.

HEAVY MECHS

DRAGON: Sigh. I could throw a rock at any random Awesome barn, and still accidentally hit your center torso, Dragon.

QUICKDRAW: Just keep hover. Keep right on hovering...

CATAPULT: Hm. I might need to apologize to the Griffin after all. Let's make a 'mech do only ONE THING, someone said. And make it look like an ugly bird while we're at it. Especially if we give it PPCs. Are those barrels or zits?

JAGERMECH: Could you please walk more than FIVE STEPS without getting your side-torsos blasted off please?! I'm pretty sure I just lost my ST and took 3 crits to my XL engine from a BIRD TAKING A DUMP ON IT!

THUNDERBOLT: Oh look, walking ER-PPCs. All of 'em. It's the Raven mentality again, only fatter.

CATAPHRACT: Look! It's a bad Timber Wolf and worse Marauder combined into a single suckier frame! Like the loser form of Voltron!

GRASSHOPPER: More laser. Yes. That was the whole idea behind this mech. Just. Add. More. Lasers. Keep smashing that button on the assembly line. Maybe if you mash it enough, this chassis will finally stop sucking? Or a black hole might accidentally form and cause it to suck more. Both would be an improvement.

BLACK KNIGHT: Oh god. The guy working on the Grasshopper is also on the Black Knight assembly line. Did someone own stock in light amplifiers or something?!?

ORION: Sigh. I just... I... are you supposed to be a poor man's Atlas or a rich man's Commando? Did anyone, at any time, EVER give you good advice on picking role models?!

ASSAULT MECHS

AWESOME: No. You're not. Don't call yourself that. Ever.

VICTOR: More ironic naming, here. You need a Saturn-V booster shoved up your backside to get any vertical in this thing these days.

ZEUS: Is this a 'mech? Or did someone just throw some football shoulder pads on this crash dummy to try and impress me?

BATTLEMASTER: "n 'ere, we 'ave th' wan'drin Battlemahstah in eets native environ'ment... th' lonelay 'mech 'angar! Ain't nobody gonna take this 'ere pup out these days. Crickey. Ah think ah'm gettin' a tetanus shot now just from lookin' at this thing!"

STALKER: And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how ghost heat can take the king of the battlefield and make him worth about as much as an empty can of soup. Keep putting XLs in this thing, folks. Keep doing that. Please. My gauss rifles thank you.

HIGHLANDER: What did Davis ever see in you, you walking tomb? I will never forgive you for Hersperus II, you monster. Ever.

MAULER: The Mauler. Code, "MAL". Which in Latin means "Bad". That's... really all I need to say. It's like nobody even bothered to think this one through.

BANSHEE: Most. Useless. Stock. Mech. Variant. Ever.

ATLAS: If the AC20 was a candy cannon, this would be the most popular 'mech in the Inner Sphere ever. Instead, we get a newbie magnet like this. And I swear to god, anyone that ever runs an XL in these things should just be insta-gibbed right at the start of the game. I don't even care if you post screenshots of your 1400-damage game. It's just... NOT RIGHT!

KING CRAB: Somewhere, on some Steiner planet, some overly-rich noble thought, "What if we had a BattleMech that could pop the lid off my beer?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how this thing was born.

EDIT: Formatting weirdness

Edited by Rhaythe, 25 November 2015 - 08:13 AM.

[FupDup]

No Firestarter has 9 hardpoints though.

Edited by FupDup, 25 November 2015 - 08:12 AM.

[Rhaythe]

FupDup, on 25 November 2015 - 08:11 AM, said:

No Firestarter has 9 hardpoints though.

Oh god... I mixed my metas. I MIXED THE METAS!!

[Kira Onime]

Rhaythe, on 25 November 2015 - 08:14 AM, said:

Oh god... I mixed my metas. I MIXED THE METAS!!

[Bishop Steiner]

Rhaythe, on 25 November 2015 - 08:03 AM, said:

CENTURION: It's like someone at NAIS came along and said, "you know what we need? A medium 'mech that is ABSOLUTELY ALLERGIC to XL Engines."

naw, anyone who believes this is just Bad at twisting.... and that apparently means you are Bad at life. (Apparently all my Centurions take Allegra, and coexist with XLs quite nicely)

Just admit...you BAD.

Edited by Bishop Steiner, 25 November 2015 - 08:25 AM.

[Rhaythe]

Bishop Steiner, on 25 November 2015 - 08:24 AM, said:

Just admit...you BAD.

Just because your sneezing, runny-nosed abomination of a mech can accidentally cause the enemy to die from exposure to your germs, doesn't make it RIGHT!

[CMDR Sunset Shimmer]

+1 for best thread on the MWO forums right now.

[Sandpit]

http://mwomercs.com/...-here-is-wrong/

good reading for newer members of the community. (Yes it's a real list)

[Ascaloth]

Rhaythe, on 25 November 2015 - 08:03 AM, said:

MAULER: The Mauler. Code, "MAL". Which in Latin means "Bad". That's... really all I need to say. It's like nobody even bothered to think this one through.

Curious fact: In portuguese, MAL means "evil", while MAU means "Bad".

And everything is quite precise hahaha looking forward to the Clan Omnimechs version of this hate

[TLBFestus]

I hope a Cicada reaches out and touches you.

In the groin.

By flicking out one of it's toothpick like legs.

[Rhaythe]

Ascaloth, on 25 November 2015 - 09:24 AM, said:

the Clan Omnimechs version of this hate

I'll have to leave that to someone else, though. I own the original clan pack, and that it. I never use 'em unless I'm farming damage for events. =o/

Except for my UAC20 Adder. Because it's awesome.

[Niyata Raastad]

You must have caught me playing my Vindicator... ;-)

This post is fantastic!

Edited by Niyata Raastad, 25 November 2015 - 11:53 AM.

[Tyler Valentine]

Hilarious! Nice post Rhaythe.

[Steelmesh]

https://youtu.be/KYUMpgpLLuU


Yeah... like this?

Edited by Steelmesh, 25 November 2015 - 12:32 PM.

[Maxx Blue]

Love it! Let me take a crack as some of the Clams:

Mist Linx: Slower than an Arctic Cheetah with half the firepower and dies twice as fast. With the silly amount of locked jump jets and the active probe this is really more of an armed UAV than a real mech.

Adder: Wait, why are all the medium mechs passing me?

Kit Fox: It's an adder with even less pod space. This mech was only tolerated when there were, literally, no other options to bring ECM on a clan mech. It's like a raven, only slower, much easier to hit and without the high-mounted lasers...so I guess it's not really like a raven at all.

Arctic Cheetah: I'M INVINCIBLE! Wait, where did my arms and all my weapons go?

Shadow Cat: Same pod space as an adder. Same speed as an adder. But I can mount enough MG's to potentially hurt something a little bit!..well, if I give up ECM anyway.

Ice Ferret: Hmm, I thought Minecraft was the game where everything was made out of big cubes?

Nova: That's not laser vomit, THIS is laser vomit! *alpha-strikes stock loadout on NVA prime...explodes.*

Stormcrow: Congratulations. Now that you have piloted one of these you realize that it completely outclasses almost every other clan mech you own. If it could jump, there would be no reason to ever use another mech. So yeah...balance.

Summoner/Hellbringer/Ebon Jaguar: We aren't Timber Wolves.

Timber Wolf: This mech is responsible for around 80% of the across-the-board nerfs that the clans got hit with. You can have the T-Wolf or you can have nice things clanners, but not both.

Gargoyle: I am also not a Timber Wolf.

Warhawk: Oh, you wanted something OTHER than heat sinks?...yeah, about that...

Gladiator: If this mech's arms were any lower, they would clip into the ground. As it is, good luck firing over top of...well, anything.

Dire Wolf: OMG! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! GO FASTER!

Edited by Maxx Blue, 25 November 2015 - 12:23 PM.

[Almond Brown]

And here I thought WarHippy had way to much time on his hands lately... Wow. The OP is just...long.

Edited by Almond Brown, 25 November 2015 - 12:25 PM.

[Tyler Valentine]

Maxx Blue, on 25 November 2015 - 12:21 PM, said:

Love it! Let me take a crack as some of the Clams:

Mist Linx: Slower than an Arctic Cheetah with half the firepower and dies twice as fast. With the silly amount of locked jump jets and the active probe this is really more of an armed UAV than a real mech.

Adder: Wait, why are all the medium mechs passing me?

Kit Fox: It's an adder with even less pod space. This mech was only tolerated when there were, literally, no other options to bring ECM on a clan mech. It's like a raven, only slower, much easier to hit and without the high-mounted lasers...so I guess it's not really like a raven at all.

Arctic Cheetah: I'M INVINCIBLE! Wait, where did my arms and all my weapons go?

Shadow Cat: Same pod space as an adder. Same speed as an adder. But I can mount enough MG's to potentially hurt something a little bit!..well, if I give up ECM anyway.

Ice Ferret: Hmm, I thought Minecraft was the game where everything was made out of big cubes?

Nova: That's not laser vomit, THIS is laser vomit! *alpha-strikes stock loadout on NVA prime...explodes.*

Stormcrow: Congratulations. Now that you have piloted one of these you realize that it completely outclasses almost every other clan mech you own. If it could jump, there would be no reason to ever use another mech. So yeah...balance.

Summoner/Hellbringer/Ebon Jaguar: We aren't Timber Wolves.

Timber Wolf: This mech is responsible for around 80% of the across-the-board nerfs that the clans got hit with. You can have the T-Wolf or you can have nice things clanners, but not both.

Gargoyle: I am also not a Timber Wolf.

Warhawk: Oh, you wanted something OTHER than heat sinks?...yeah, about that...

Gladiator: If this mech's arms were any lower, they would clip into the ground. As it is, good luck firing over top of...well, anything.

Dire Wolf: OMG! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! GO FASTER!

excellent addition

[Navid A1]

Maxx Blue, on 25 November 2015 - 12:21 PM, said:

...
Mist Linx: Slower than an Arctic Cheetah with half the firepower and dies twice as fast. With the silly amount of locked jump jets and the active probe this is really more of an armed UAV than a real mech.
...

[Vellron2005]

Direwolf: A snail with a minigun mounted on top of its shell. Prone to projectile vomiting.

Timberwolf: Unholy thrice-cursed lovechild of a catapult and a marauder - also known as BigNose McLurmwubber

Myst Lynx: Small and annoying - like a fly in a glass of fine wine.

Ebon Jaguar: Timberwolf wannabe. Also, Sir McDakkawub.

Shadow Cat: Jumpy Jumperson Sniper wannabe

Arctic Cheeta: Proving you have massive lag since 2015.

Warhawk: Direwolf wannabe. Snail with mounted rocket launcher on Ecstasy.

Mad Dog: Timberwolf's little brother. SnoutFace McLurmsalot.

Nova: Hotter than a Victoria's secret model, and easily flammable. Caution: prone to explosive laser vomiting.

Hellbringer: Spaceman wannabe. Delusions of being invisible. Until shot in the face from 800+ meters.

Gargoyle: Overgrown nova. Mr.Hillburn McSpeedy.

Executioner: The demon lovechild between a Nova and an Atlas. Gargoyle's big scary evil twin brother.

Edited by Vellron2005, 26 November 2015 - 04:30 AM.

[Blackfang]

Maxx Blue, on 25 November 2015 - 12:21 PM, said:

Summoner/Hellbringer/Ebon Jaguar: We aren't Timber Wolves.

Fantastic OP, and this line for the clans had me tickled! Good job, operation comic relief accomplished I feel.