Warning: The following text is satire, it does in no way represent valid opinions or anything resembling the likelihood of reality.
You put in the game you just bought and start your console. Greeting you is the usual wall of logos followed by an intro. The game is set some thousand years in the future and features giant stompy robots. Some guys named "word of blake" kidnap the princess and hide her in another castle. They all wear white and fullfill the roel of the stereotypical antagonist. You see a planet. A spaceship appears out of nowhere.
The main menu gives you the choice between "New game" and "credits". Choosing new game, you are asked what difficulty you would like to play at. Being turned of by "interactive movie with godmode", "interactive movie" and "like halo, but easier", you decide to play the game on "makes five year olds cry". With such a manly description, it must be pretty hard.
In another intro sequence you see the white guys from the first intro hop into their 'mechs'. Not statisfied with doing lots of evil, they do some more evil for the sake of being evil. A newsperson is telling you what must have been the history so far. The game tells you to "Press (X) to skip intro". Following the instructin, you get to a loading screen.
Finally, you're in the game...
You are the stereotypical male protagonist. Being a good soldier and a true patriot, you silently and carefully listen while your commanding officer briefs you on the mission. Of course, you're in a jumpship orbiting the planet you're about to invade. Standing in front of the holo table, you follow your superiors explanation of the vaguely generic valley you're about to use as a LZ.
Suddenly, you look back at your superiors face. Behind him, outside the briefing rooms window, you see a planet. The briefing is over and you are switched into some kind of third person perspective. A message on the bottom of the screen informs you to "use [left stick] to move around.". You run forward, right into the holotable. Another message urges you to "use [shoulder buttons] to look around." Looking around, you see an exit. As you run towards the exit, your character suddenly stops. A message informs you "You need to talk to your teammates before leaving the briefing room." After a clearly sexistic dialog with the female love interest, an incredibly punny chat with the stereotype warrior and a conversation with your XO that is vaguely bordering on the homoerotic you can finally leave.
Of course, the only corridor leads to the mech hangar. A lonely mechanic mops the floor, but... there she is. What a beauty! 30 tons of heavy metal love, draped in the shiniest shader effects the hardware can handle. Not needing the "Climb to the cockpit and press (A) to enter" instruction, you take a seat and begin the initiation sequence. A robotic yet strangely female voice treads you to the usual startup sequence: "Reactor - online... Armor - online... tractor beam for powerups - online..." as your mech comes to live.
According to the status displays, you are equipped with a lava cannon, a hairdrier and a hacking device and "Use [left stick] to move around. Use (X) to do a barrel roll. Use (Y) to engage enhanced imaging.". Looking around the hangar, you see a big green arrow flying around, pointing at the only way out. Moving towards the exit without noticing the "Protip: move towards the hangar door to exit the hangar". Out of a sudden...
... you are teleported onto the planets surface. At least that's what must have happened during the loading screen. Anyway...
The most generic rolling hills you've ever seen lie before you. In the distance, you can make out what look like the silhouette of the generic enemy base. You can't really tell, with all the fog it could be a starleague cache, a hpg station or a bunch of ... oh! A red radar blip shows up on your sensors, accompanied by "Your radar shows the locations of enemies and friends.". A box emerges from the fog and takes on the shape of a vehicle. You nearly miss "Press (X) to fire your lava cannons. Press (L2) + (X) + [Left stick] to use the hairdrier." as your crosshar takes on a life of its own: with infallible accuracy, you aim for the vehicle. Just as the generic generic blur of rock/metal/hiphop/polka music starts to play, you push the button. The vehicle explodes like it must have been loaded with nuclear weapons.
The big green arrow reappears and points toward the fog. You follow the arrow along the only path you can take, blow up some other vehicles and finally reach a wall. Using all the finger yoga skills you possess, you "Press (L2) + (X) + [Left stick] to use the hairdrier", which turns out to be some kind of plasma weapon. Moving forward, you attempt to cross the gap.
Suddenly, the screen freezes. Out of nowhere, an enemy atlas appears near you and grabs your mech in a headlock like a prowrestler. Blinking button aymbols appear at the bottom of your screen, accompanied by "Press the right buttons to win meelee!". After a few tries (and repeating the mission a few times), you finally win the 'simon says' minigame. As a result, you are presented with what must be a pre rendered cutscene, because the game looks nothing like it. Anyway, it seems the way meele works is that you pull a giant knife from your mechs utility belt and repeatedly stab the atlas to death.
Back to the normal graphics, you start exploring the base, which consists of a few generic buildings and a mechhangar, whithin which you find... a Flea. What follows is a stealth section where you must evade patroulling enemies. Using the super stealth cloak pickup right at the start of the section, you just run through this part of the level. You can see strange markings right in a place where you can't go any futher and...
... you are teleported back onto the ship. At least that's what must have happened during the loading screen. Anyway...
... back in the hangar, you're shown a score board according to which you gained 9000 wobbillls and salvaged a rotary long tom and a shield generator. Maybe you can ask the engineer guy to instal... nope. According to the equipment screen, only collossal class mechs can mount the items you found. With a little help of "Make sure to visit the briefing room between missions", the big green arrow reminds you to check out the briefing room.
After half an hour of unskippable dialoge and cutscenes, you leave for your next mission. You now have the choice between piloting a Ragnarok and a Ragnarock II. Instead of the Ragnarock II you see an empty mech cocoon. A floating message informs you that "This content is available in the optional more-of-the-same-but-with-pink-bowties dlc package, so you pick the Ragnarock.
Back on the planet, you stare at a generic dessert. Following the green arrow, you come to a river that blocks your path, but by "pressing (X) + (L1) while doing a handstand toggles your jumpjets" you easily overcome this obstacle. On the other side, you land your mech by executing the combo again. You just want to move onwards, as a cut scene starts to explain why your teammates can't cross the river and will meet you later although they, too, pilot Ragnarocks.
A few generic dunes later, you reach another river. Just as you search for a place to land on the other side, an enemy Axeman jumps out of a bush and runs towards your mech. Standing below your mech, it turns in its place.
Unable to land, you just decide to fly through the rest of the level, it's not like you could get lost anyway. Out of a sudden, the game freezes again. Instead of a cut scene, you see.... nothing. The game just froze.
After mashing some more buttons, you restart your console.
Nothing happens.
Finally looking at your console, you see the fiery sign of death: RROD.
Well, at least now you don't have to play the nuke defusal minigame that consists of challenging the bad white guys to a dance competition.
Edited by Exilyth, 18 July 2012 - 12:50 PM.
2
DerMaulwurf, on 17 July 2012 - 11:42 PM, said:
