182 replies to this topic

[Reyge]

THIS!!!!


*look ma! No hands!*

[Reyge]

Or this

[tender bottom]

daneiel varna, on 02 June 2012 - 04:29 PM, said:

The Inner Sphere way

laughed a bunch, just had a similiar situation... except...

NO ROBITS

[Deathz Jester]

[Adridos]

Well, people who visit official Battletech forums will probably know these, but no harm in sharing them with others.

P.S. Everything done by Doug Glendower (at least the site, some jokes aren't), not me.

"Battlemech: The latest and greatest thing in ground combat, they come in two types: too slow, and too fragile. There are technological devices to add to a Battlemech which are said to improve the battlefield life of a Battlemech. They are nothing compared to the devices that shorten said Battlemech's life."

"Batchall: A Clan combat convention whereby invading Clan military units prove their superiority by targetting your artillery for you."

"Ancestral Holdings: Classically, refers to worlds held during antiquity. Modern usage has changed the term to mean different things to different people; for example, Davions use the term to refer to the first hundred planets they'd landed on, while Capellans use the term to refer to the last hundred worlds the Davions have landed on."

"Alliance: In Inner Sphere politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third."

"Honor: The intentional lessening of destructive capability used with the understanding that the enemy OpFor will doubtlessly do the same. Popular among Kuritans, Clan leadership, and Generals who are recovering from blunt-force trauma to the cranium."

Edited by Adridos, 14 June 2012 - 05:23 AM.

[guardian wolf]

Prosperity Park, on 27 May 2012 - 09:49 PM, said:

How many ROM agents does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?


"He knows too much about lightbulb technology..."

"Agreed..."



*pew*

Had to happen sometime... call in the paramedics, we will revive him again.

[Dead Baron]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Thor.

Thor who?

Thor whom the bell tolls....

[Daneiel]

[J a d e P h o e n i x]

MechAssault....

[Rebmac]

wanderer, on 03 June 2012 - 03:47 PM, said:

The answer to this is "Forty-two. Plus a large laser."

What, I did! Want the stats?

but how much ammo would hit hold.

[Waladil]

A Lyran MechWarrior walks into a bar. The barkeep asks "What'll it be?" to which the MechWarrior replies "Whatever's the biggest, strongest drink you've got."

Two Free Worlds MechWarriors walk into a bar. When asked for their orders, each simultaneously replies "Beer" and then immediately attempts to reverse himself several times, eventually devolving into a fistfight.

A Liao MechWarrior walks into a bar. She tells the barkeep that she doesn't need a drink, having already lifted the bar's entire stock.

Thirteen Clan MechWarriors walk into a bar. When they're informed that the bar's entire stock was stolen earlier that day with the exception of a single bottle of whisky, they beat themselves into exhaustion across a dozen Trials of Possession.

A ComStar agent walks into a bar. He picks up the bottle of whisky, drinks it to the dregs while staring the Clanners in the eye. Without a word he finishes the bottle and leaves.

Edited by Waladil, 16 June 2012 - 01:48 PM.

[Lyteros]

One should rename this thread to "battletech depression". Imho it's more fitting. One actually funny joke per page :/

[wanderer]

Rebmac, on 16 June 2012 - 12:58 PM, said:

but how much ammo would hit hold.

Had two tons of ammo, 400 shots.

[Ktooosiek]

LordDeathStrike, on 26 April 2012 - 08:32 PM, said:

lava guns are definitely a joke. now large 100 ton assault mech sized rpgs ild like, with shaped charge warheads that shoot hot jets of metal through armor like a plasma cutting torch through room tempurature butter. mmmmmm butter.

Actually shaped charge warheads that shoot hot jets of metal through armor exist and are used to kill the crew of a tank,

[Slim Grady]

What do all of the MRBC condolence letters to family say?

"Look at the bright side. You get to keep all the money."

Edited by Slim Grady, 16 June 2012 - 03:30 PM.

[DFDelta]

Things a MechWarrior should never say/try/believe/trust:

01.) "Where did the Atlas go, and why am I suddenly standing in the shade?"
02.) "So what? I'm in an Atlas, he's just in a Warhammer."
03.) "No one hits with a PPC, from over 800 meter out, while running. Not even Natasha Kerensky!"
04.) "Thats just infantry..."
05.) "No problem for your Hauptmann Sir, the bridge supports up to 150 tons."
06.) "Oh come on, a single Rifleman is no match for me."
07.) "Hey, I think I've severely damaged the Atlas."
08.) "Wait here guys, Imma sneak over there to check what that blip on the radar was."
09.) "Why so cautious? No one would ever place vibrabombs here."
10.) "Go crying to your mommy, clanner."
11.) "Just a King Crab. Its completely harmless if you stay over 300 meters away."
12.) "Can you kick Elementals?"
13.) "Why are patrols always so boring?"
14.) "Daaaw, how cute. Tanks!"
15.) "I'm getting the slight feeling our chancellor is acting weird."
16.) "A Locust can't even be considered a real mech."
17.) "Don't worry, the only units Steiner has in this area are a few scout lances."
18.) "Yen-lo-wang, thats a really silly sounding name for a battlemech."
19.) "Not even Kai Allard Liao would hit that."
20.) "Congrats, you hit my cockpit, bet you can't do that again!"
21.) "Boy, a Wasp is no Battlemech. You use those thing to harvest turnips."
22.) "Thats how I like. Piloting an artillery mech and staying faaar away from all the danger."
23.) "Scouts are merely an annoyance. I'll deal with them later."
24.) "CASE? Whats that crap for? I'd rather take an extra ton of ammo!"
25.) "I think I've forgotten to remove that half ton of machine gun ammo before heading out..."

[phelancracken]

Hakiyah, on 10 May 2012 - 05:19 PM, said:

the html tags were screwing up the display. Let me see if I can get it display right


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie
Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Prince Magnusson's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"
St.. Peter responded, "That's Kai Allard-Liao's clock. The hands have
moved Twice, telling us that Kai told only two lies in his life."
"Where's Takashi Kurita's clock?" asked the man.
"Kurita's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

ROTFL!! Nice one. Needed that tonite!

[Argon3]

This one comes from a Mechwarrior WKG click battle

Green infantry gets stepped on in close assult by a mech
As the guy tosses snakes eyes meaning crit miss and taking damage
I yelled " Run Bob you have the Explos..BOOM........ives."

Much laughter followed

I had been shooting at him most of the game and was unable to hit him and he got tired of me trying
I was the BM running the AI part
We had a blast with those old games

[MechRaccoon]

I have a crappy joke!

*Ahem* What do you call the Flashman, Imp, and Flea? (the CBT version, not MW4M)

Worse looking then the UrbanMech! Yuk, Yuk!

[Charles Martel]

Hakiyah, on 10 May 2012 - 05:19 PM, said:

the html tags were screwing up the display. Let me see if I can get it display right


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie
Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Prince Magnusson's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"
St.. Peter responded, "That's Kai Allard-Liao's clock. The hands have
moved Twice, telling us that Kai told only two lies in his life."
"Where's Takashi Kurita's clock?" asked the man.
"Kurita's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

You forgot the other part.......

"Okay, and where's Hanse Davion's clock?" the man asked.
"We just hooked that up to run the generators."