915 replies to this topic

[StompingOnTanks]

804. Just because your mech may have aluminum alloy components in some sections does not mean it is acceptable or structurally safe to engineer new mech parts out of melted down Coke bottles. Arms and legs falling off in the middle of combat at conveniently humorous moments may be conveniently humours, but it puts our pilots in real danger.

[PLAY AUDIO LOG]

*Points Atlas's dual PPCs at surrounded pirate mech lance* All right, you filthy pirate savages! Hand over the humanitarian supplies and if you're lucky, we'll let you live long enough to -

*Atlas's arms fall off rendering the mech weaponless.*

...Let me run away like a little *****! LANCE, RETREAT!

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 16 August 2014 - 03:54 AM.

[Alaskan Nobody]

IraqiWalker, on 15 August 2014 - 08:29 PM, said:

Hey you're the one that always had fresh supplies of those posters everywhere.

I am torn between a "first I've heard of it" response (because that would be true!) and a "Hey, it gets cold up here, we need all the heat we can get!"

[Rogue Jedi]

805) if the unit commander asks to have an atlas brought into his office so he can plan the defenses on paper this means he wants a book of maps not a 100ton Assault Mech, seriously guys, it took weeks to fix the HQ after that "prank", and the pranksters are still on punishment duty

806) Those suffering from arachnophobia are henceforth banned from the Mech bay, Mech lab and hangers following the recent incident where a Lyran recon patrol had just arrived back in the hanger to hear someone shout "there's a spider behind that Banshee" The Money spider survived and miraculously no-one was fatally injured, however we are estimating another 3 weeks until repairs to the base are complete.

Edited by Rogue Jedi, 18 August 2014 - 01:34 PM.

[IraqiWalker]

807. Carting is fun, that is true. What is not fun, is taking the regiment's APCs and ALL of the mattresses on base, to try and set up a "grown up" Carting ring.

808. If the screen on your comm device gets scratched, use toothpaste to fix it, and polish it.

[Gremlich Johns]

809 - the dual Heavy Gauss on your Fafnir is a statement about your __________________________

[wanderer]

Gremlich Johns, on 18 August 2014 - 02:35 PM, said:

809 - the dual Heavy Gauss on your Fafnir is a statement about your __________________________

...compensating for a relatively small Yen-Lo-Wang.

[Yarin Korza]

810- Bribing the tech dept to redress the Co's mech as the energizer bunnie, right before a unit parade for a potential employer, is NOT a good idea

811- Giving the after action report to your liaison officer through interpretive dance and puppet show, in your mech, will not go over well

812- do not refer to infantry hitching a ride as "reactive armor", they don't find any humour in that

813- nor refer to them as PBI's (poor bloody infantry), "the red and green things between a mech's toes", or actuator lubricant. Again no sense of humour

814- Its a sad comment on urban living when you see a Battle master mug a Phoenix Hawk in a blind alley

815- ejecting when your face down on the pavement WILL earn you the nickname "Skippy"

816- The next time the 2IC yells "RAMMING SPEED MR SCOTT" on the bridge of the drop ship will get him banned from said bridge by the ship's Capt.

817- The next time you fill a techs toolbox with expanding foam, don't be surprised if your eject lever is replaced by a large phallic device, and doesn't work..

818- stop sending the new recruits for: the keys to the jump point, camouflage paint, ECM fluid, LBX splitters for standard ammo, magic smoke for the console, Streak SRM conversion tape, or 30 feet of fallopian tubing.

819- If some one says "I HAVE AN IDEA", its probably not a good one......

[wanderer]

820) Quoting old simulator manuals is no substitute for wit, ala #814. It IS an easy way to spot a MechWarrior wannabe.

[PanzerSmurf]

821. It is not okay too jump onto a JENNER and yell "Get along little pony!". No this is not a reference to classic comedy where a fat man mounts a pony.

822. Mech "tipping" new recruits Mechs and then asking them where their "tip assist" is while in the process damaging the said Mech will come out of your pay check, no matter how funny your CO thinks it was (you will also be responsible for returning the said Mech onto it's feet).

823. Sexual relations with other pilots are forbidden, the "bondsman" defense referring to cultural integration does not work, even when said pilot is a former clan pilot.

[StompingOnTanks]

Yarin Korza, on 18 August 2014 - 08:58 PM, said:

818- stop sending the new recruits for: the keys to the jump point, camouflage paint, ECM fluid, LBX splitters for standard ammo, magic smoke for the console, Streak SRM conversion tape, or 30 feet of fallopian tubing.

Something similar happened to me when I worked at my uncle's a machine shop, fallopian tubing included. I still tell the story at parties. My boss was giggling for days.

Damn, I miss working there.

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 20 August 2014 - 03:28 AM.

[SnagaDance]

I know this restaurant where during lunch they sent out the new girl to go to another restaurant where they knew the people well, and 'go get some yellow paprika powder' because they had run out. A bit doubtful the girl went but her friendly new colleagues had phoned ahead so in the end she got led around a good number of restaurants in the center of town.

[Domoneky]

824: Slap your AMS before you Mount it.

[StompingOnTanks]

825. Only BattleMechs equipped with proper manuevering thrusters and extended endurance life support can be deployed in space. Spiders with eight jump jets come close, but they still don't count.

826. Whoever snuck off with the Lieutenant's Stalker, moved the engine to the right arm, ripped out the weapons, and replaced all the components in the center, left, and right torsos with rows of seats and windows before rechristening the mech Party Bus, you're fired.

827. SRMs are NOT rockets, they are unguided missiles. THESE are rockets: http://www.sarna.net...Rocket_Launcher

828. Whoever asked for a Ultra Auto-Machine Gun.... Why?!

829. Challenging friendly Banshee pilots to a fistfight is a terrible, terrible idea. Just because the chassis is over 500 years old doesn't negate the fact that it weighs 90 tons and has two gigantic fists that are twice as big as yours.

830. If you retreat from battle you cannot say "It was because my engine blew a gasket". Unless you're piloting an IndustiralMech with an ICE your mech has no gaskets to speak of. At least know your damn gear before you come to me with an excuse, boys.

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 21 August 2014 - 04:29 AM.

[990Dreams]

831. I am not a literal meat shield. It is a joke.

[Domoneky]

832: Running off with the CO's wife is ill-advised

833: the two front Explosive bolts on a Mech's canopy used for ejecting are to be replaced with confetti launchers That way when the pilot ejects he feels like he won the ComStar Lottery before dying.

834: There is no ComStar Lottery

835: Purposely overheating your Mech to grill steaks on its surface is forbidden.

836: Always clean the grilling site on the Mech used for Steaks

837: Whoever reprogrammed my Bitchin Betty to say Have a Nice Day instead of Target Destroyed....Gets a promotion and a two week liberty pass

Edited by Domoneky, 21 August 2014 - 02:45 PM.

[990Dreams]

838. Adding a Vodka dispenser to dispense Vodka every time you kill a Mech is not appropriate

[SethAbercromby]

838.1: Alcoholic influence reduces your rational judgement, reaction time, precision of movement and sense of balance - all very bad things for piloting a 'Mech. Doing that in an actual warzone is a good way to get you killed. It is also considerd being drunk on duty and you will be punished accordingly in case you do survive.

839: To the guy that decided to knit 'Mech-sized mittens for the unit's 'Mechs: I appreciate the gesture but can't help but wondering how you managed to keep them hidden for so long to actually finish them and put them oto the 'Mechs without anybody noticing until the next day after.

839.1: I want everyone on lookout around the base to remain observant for any instances of Yarn-Ninjas and report any sightings to me ASAP.

[Big Tin Man]

840: Whomever submitted the video to the universe's funniest home videos of an Atlas using two raven's legs as knitting needles and making a pair of mittens is required to share the prize money with the battalion. That pilot is also due for a promotion for some damn fine control on those hand actuators.

Edited by Big Tin Man, 24 August 2014 - 10:26 PM.

[IraqiWalker]

841. Please remove the mittens from the Jenners and the other chicken walkers, they don't have finger,s and the mittens are actually blocking the weapon ports. We already had a fire happen when someone tried to burn through them, because "it looked so fitting, I don't want to remove it"

842. No contrary the spreading rumors, these mittens do not add +1 to your armor rating on the arm. In fact, they are a mechanic's worst nightmare.

[Lily from animove]

843. glow in the dark camo paint heavily reduces accidents within your own team during night missions.