915 replies to this topic

[StompingOnTanks]

Hello MechWarriors!

These are general tips and bits of advice that, while generally not useful in the heat of combat, may save you a tongue-lashing or two from your CO.

1. Orbital space defense systems are not to be referred to as "Death Stars".
2. The Autocannon on your Centurion's right arm is not pump-action.
3. "They only cost 1,000,000 CB" is not a valid excuse to use your own battalion's Locusts as target practice.
4. Generally speaking, you should not refer to torso-mounted PPCs as "Nipple Lasers of Doom."
5. Your female Commanding Officer is not interested in your Yen-Lo.
6. You generally shouldn't refer to those under your command as your "Evil Minions".
7. Hitting on Elementals of the opposite sex is generally bad for your dental health.
8. Despite what you may have read on your PDI, "Nuking It From Orbit" is not usually a viable tactic.
9. LBX Autocannons are not "Boomsticks".
10. The proper military designations for the left and right arm weapons on your Warhammer are not "Thunder" and "Lightning", despite what they may look or sound like.
10. Taking your commander's mech out for a "test drive" while he is napping is not okay.
11. Pressing the "Override Emergency Shutdown" button while laser-spamming in said commander's mech is NEVER okay.
12. "I thought you said you didn't like it" is not an excuse for exploding your commander's mech.
13. The MechLab engineers will not install an AC/20 on your mech's front pelvis no matter how many times you ask.
14. While piloting a Light BattleMech, you will usually be ignored if you ask larger 'Mechs for a "piggyback ride".
15. "I'm out of ammo!" is not an excuse to retreat from battle while piloting an Awesome AWS-8Q.

Have fun out there.

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 03 February 2014 - 01:30 PM.

[Nathan Foxbane]

16. Orbital strikes are high command level fire support calls. If you have to ask, you do not have that authority.
17. The CO frowns up being called "The Old Man." This goes double for female officers.
18. What the CO doesn't know can't hurt him/her. If he/she finds out, it will hurt you.
19. Your dropship is a transport not a shield. Using it for the latter is frowned upon.
20. Orbital bombardment of the objective area to "soften up" the enemy is not OK and the collateral damage is never "within acceptable limits."
21. Infantry are not "squishies" and tankers are not "crunchies" no matter how they sound when your 'Mech steps on them.
22. For the love of all that is holy do not call the anti-'Mech infantry "squishes" to their face.
23. The crew chief does not like it when you personally make modifications to your 'Mech without consulting him/her first. See tip 24.
24. No matter what you think, your 'Mech does not belong to you. It belongs to your crew chief and bringing his/her baby back in one piece makes him/her very happy.
25. The tankers in your unit are never amused when they find "Step on me" signs on top of their tanks.
26. Mocking Elementals is hazardous to your health.
27. Putting "Shoot me" signs anywhere on the CO's 'Mech is frowned upon.

[CyclonerM]

StompingOnTanks, on 03 February 2014 - 01:30 PM, said:

10. The proper military designations for the left and right arm weapons on your Warhammer are not "Thunder" and "Lightning", despite what they may look or sound like.

This is actually more about the Thor

[Alaskan Nobody]

StompingOnTanks, on 03 February 2014 - 01:30 PM, said:

2. The Autocannon on your Centurion's right arm is not pump-action.

[StompingOnTanks]

Nathan Foxbane, on 03 February 2014 - 02:10 PM, said:

21. Infantry are not "squishies" and tankers are not "crunchies" no matter how they sound when your 'Mech steps on them.

The frowny face emote in the options bar is not enough to express my sadness.

[Smitti]

28. We do NOT refer to the AC/2 as a 'pea shooter', nor machine gun rounds as 'spit wads', especially not around the weapons techs. Jones did that once and found himself striding into battle equipped with exactly that.
29. Installing a sound system on your 'mech and playing "Ride of the Valkyries" into battle is so 20th century. Don't.
30. Beer fridges fitted in command chair arm rests are not permitted.
31. Chest-bumping jump-jet equipped Battlemechs in mid air is, under no circumstances, funny, nor is it permitted. Pilots will be held personally liable for any armour, equipment or structural damage incurred.
32. In a column formation, the rearmost direct fire support mech is not the arse-end awesome/atlas. Not within the pilot's earshot anyway.
33. Mentioning fat jokes around awesome pilots often ends up with said pilots disengaging their IFF tags mid-combat, when you're in their firing arc.
34. The light 'mechs in your company do not appreciate being used in impromptu games of soccer, rugby, catch, piggy-in-the-middle or pass the parcel.
35. Using TAG on your lancemates is not an acceptable practical joke during live-fire LRM training.
36. Female Mechwarriors in your company are not interested in being 'cored' by your "Penetrator". Stop bothering them. Unless you're both in a sibko.
37. We do not highlight to UM-R60 pilots their 'mech's resemblance to a certain 20th century science fiction robotic character. Or refuse recepticals.
38. Please stop referring to LAMs as transformers. Their pilots tend to be a little sensitive about it.

Edited by Smittiferous, 04 February 2014 - 01:37 AM.

[Blood Rose]

39. An Atlas is never a meatshield. Atleast, not to the pilots face.
40. Its a Timberwolf not a Madcat. The latter is the IS surrats name for it.
41. The Hula Girl is not a lie.
42. Friendly assaults, particularly Stalkers do not like being used as a piggyback system for your Spider I have actually done this....

Edited by Blood Rose, 04 February 2014 - 04:09 AM.

[Rushin Roulette]

Blood Rose, on 04 February 2014 - 04:08 AM, said:

41. The Hula Girl is not a lie.

True.. she gobbled down the whole damn cake and now that is a lie though.

43. getting your recruits to reinact the end of Dr. Strangelove with your LRM missiles may be timeless... but make sure the commander isnt looking.
44. No she doesnt want to see your Long Tom and yes, she probably does think it resembles a stub nosed light PPC more than a Long Tom.

Edited by Rushin Roulette, 04 February 2014 - 04:42 AM.

[CyclonerM]

Blood Rose, on 04 February 2014 - 04:08 AM, said:

40. Its a Timberwolf not a Madcat. The latter is the IS surrats name for it.

Thank you

[Alaskan Nobody]

Smittiferous, on 04 February 2014 - 01:28 AM, said:

29. Installing a sound system on your 'mech and playing "Ride of the Valkyries" into battle is so 20th century. Don't.

WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME SO!

[Nathan Foxbane]

45. The female Canopian light 'Mech pilot in your Merc Corp has never worked in a Canopian pleasure circus, her stage name was not Terra Therma, she does not like to "hot load" her "missile rack", nor does she pilot her Commando commando. It is wrong to tell new recruits this. Especially if she regularly shoots you down.
I had really wanted this one to be tip 34. Oh well.
46. The Atlas pilot's nickname is not Fat Lass, regardless of how accurate the name is. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.
47. Talking dirty over the comms is strictly prohibited, new pilots have enough problems with overheating.
48. Squirrels are not acceptable replacements for missile warheads, even if the enemy likes to chase them.
49. When piloting a Highlander nobody likes it when you play bagpipes over open comms. Be sure to play it loud and proud.
50. She will never be impressed when you add ER or Heavy your weapon description. Using Light might get you points for modesty if phrased correctly.
51. When in a Highlander, there cannot be only one and no you are not the one.
52. The Hula Girl and Cheerleader do not strip when your 'Mech overheats. It is wrong to tell new pilots this.
53. Coolant poisoning is an insanely slow and painful way to die. DO. NOT. DRINK. IT.
54. For the same reason, coolant wrestling matches are forbidden.
55. Gyros are expensive and not toys. Spinning up a gyro not securely mounted in a 'Mech is forbidden.
56. Anyone suffering from pyromania is not to be allowed near a Firestarter, nor are they permitted to use infernos, ever.
57. Streak SRMs do not use homing pigeons for their guidance systems. It is wrong to tell new pilots this.
58. Being nice to medical personnel is always recommended. They control how pleasant your next physical or any other procedure will be.
59. Never taunt happy fun Jenner.
60. Steiner scout lances are not composed entirely of Commandos and Firestarters. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

Edited by Nathan Foxbane, 04 February 2014 - 12:51 PM.

[Alaskan Nobody]

Nathan Foxbane, on 04 February 2014 - 12:46 PM, said:

48. Squirrels are not acceptable replacements for missile warheads, even if the enemy likes to chase them.
56. Anyone suffering from pyromania is not to be allowed near a Firestarter, nor are they permitted to use infernos, ever.
60. Steiner scout lances are not composed entirely of Commandos and Firestarters. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

48) but but but but but but but but but but but!!!!

56) Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

60) Of course not, eveyone knows they are composed of a trio of Omegas.

[StompingOnTanks]

61. The new UI we've installed in all of your mechs is precious Lostech that took a long time to reconstruct, and is not to be abused and mocked.
62. You are not to refer to XL Engines as "two more ways to die".
63. You are not to question how the BattleMech engineering team makes leg-stored ammo belts feed properly. Just roll with it.
64. The two or three strippers you brought to the barracks last night are not "new recruits", even if they are wearing our uniforms... Barely.
65. Paying aforementioned strippers to clean your mechs and/or combat vehicles while nude is strictly forbidden, and in most cases, actually makes the vehicle dirtier.
66. Taking your mech out to the city at nights is strictly forbidden. It terrorizes the populace, causes extensive damage to infrastructure, and despite what anyone has told you, young women do not "dig giant robots".
67. Your mech and its weapons are already equipped with state-of-the-art targeting sensors and software. Please stop asking the mechbay engineers to install "iron sights" and "red dot scopes" on your arm-mounted weaponry.
68. Doodling in a notebook and singing songs while on combat patrol is forbidden.
69. You will not giggle when your commander orders you to assume Combat Formation 69.
70. Never, under any circumstances, are you to designate your unit's dropship as "Apollo 13".

[Alaskan Nobody]

Marack Drock, on 04 February 2014 - 09:00 PM, said:

74. Do not play Hot Wheels when piloting your Atlas and coming across a car lot.

Is it sad that this had not even occurred to me as an even remote possibility?

....Now I want to try it

[StompingOnTanks]

88. You will not bow your mech down and say prayers over open comms every time you see an Urbanmech in the field.
89. Stripping naked, oiling yourself up, and posing on top of your mech while praying that the enemy is of the opposite sex is not "psychological warfare".
90. The above method is especially ineffective while sortieing on planets less than 0 degrees, over 120 degrees or in the vacuum of space. Do not attempt.

[Dexter Herbivore]

91. We will not believe your story of an accidental teamkill if you fire multiple alphastrikes.

[Sandpit]

I still can't figure out how to activate my shield on my robot

[StompingOnTanks]

92. You will not scream "ACTIVATE BUSTER RIFLE!" over comms every time you fire quad ER Large Lasers.
93. Stop accusing Longbow and Catapult pilots of "missile spam", they're simply doing their job.
94. Throwing paper airplanes at your mech's AMS system, no matter how much fun it may be, is a waste of precious ammo and is forbidden.
95. Mech slappy fights are not allowed.
96. Hidden cameras in the female barracks and showers are strictly forbidden. Nice try, though.
97. Using semi-trucks as roller skates is neither humorous or combat effective.
98. No known mech is capable of "Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks of Death". Please stop bothering the techs about it.
99. When engaging in melee combat, please stop grabbing friendly Light mechs to use as a club.
100. Just because you live in the BattleTech universe does not mean everyone you know wants to play BattleTech, MechWarrior, MechAssault or MegaMek with you.

[Domoneky]

101. Refrain from calling Female MechWarriors as Wookies. Note: Feel Free to call Female Ground forces Wookies (Which is what a Female Marine is....really. Some of the guys in my platoon even did the wookie yell as they passed by.)
102. Do not watch Jerry Springer in your Cockpit. Jerry Springer the VII is not appropriate for Mechs
103. Do not add Shag Carpeting to the Cockpit.
104. Your Mech is not "The Love Machine"
105. Finish your bacon sandwich before exiting.
106. Do not tell your female tech chief that you wish to "Load your Mechs in her DropShip". Tis Silly.
107. ComStar takes money. They do not give it.
108. Do not coat the controls of another's Mech with pepper spray as a joke.
109. Do not refer to the Stalker as a walking [Redacted] used by women. Its Disrespectful...no matter how true it is.
110. Do not modify the computer voice with recordings of the local girls.

[Nathan Foxbane]

111. List of approved melee weaponry: Trees, I-beams, foundation piles, severed limbs (your allies will want theirs back when the battle is over), properly mounted for purpose weaponry such as hatchets, and properly mounted construction equipment such as 'Mech scale chainsaws (not recommended).
112. List of disapproved melee weaponry: Cars, attached limbs on allies, infantry, linked trolleys (not structurally rated as 'Mech scale nunchucks), unmounted construction equipment, and cosmetic additions (putting some scrap metal spikes on your 'Mech's fist does not a melee weapon make).
113. 'Mechs cannot do the Bounty Hunters air swim, any explosion big enough to do so is lethal.
114. Flux capacitors only work in DeLoreans. Even if your fusion engine can put out 1.21 gigawatts with ease and your Cicada can run at 142 kph.
115. Elementals always bring friends to the party. This is a bad thing.
116. Just because you can bench press a Commando in your Atlas does not mean you should.
117. Drag racing a vintage Charger in your Charger is a good way to lose C-bills. Drag racing for pink slips will get you court marshaled.
118. Your Battlemech can, in fact, be stolen. No unauthorized persons are permitted in the cockpit.
119. Should you need to do repairs yourself, never replace explosive bolts with regular bolts. Techs do not like scraping you off the cockpit ceiling.
120. The barracks is not a zoo. Please do not collect pets from every world you visit.

Edited by Nathan Foxbane, 05 February 2014 - 06:48 PM.