136 replies to this topic

[Cnaiur]

After a particularly special run of matches last night, I was motivated to put pen to paper and record the various magnificent specimens that can be found in our much loved Charlie lances.

Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Match

Maybe he’s AFK. Maybe he disconnected. Maybe it’s both! Whatever the case, 100 tons of armor and firepower is idling in the drop zone until somebody from opfor wanders by and kills him. For reasons science still can’t explain, this phenomenon never, ever happens to pilots in Spiders armed with a single laser.

Battle Cry: “…”

The Solo Yolo

A fearless, selfless warrior, this pilot will unflinchingly hurl his battlemech into the very teeth of the enemy lines. What he won’t do is tell his teammates when or where he’s doing it. He also won’t bother to see if any friendlies are around him to exploit his heroic acts of derring do.

Battle Cry: “I pushed, where the **** were you guys?”

The Master Tactician

Like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn, this enigmatic pilot is driven by unknowable impulses to wander off alone on what, assuming he deigns to explain at all, will only be described as “flanking maneuvers”. The vast majority of the time he dies a horrible death surrounded by countless enemy lights and mediums. Once in a great while, his erratic perambulations will result in a fresh assault mech utterly surprising a battered and pinned down opfor resulting in great destruction. But usually he just dies horribly.

Battle Cry: “The team abandoned me!”

The Lurmtato

This pilot is easily recognized by the 80 missile tubes on his mech, his aversion to making visual contact with the enemy and his distinctive battle cry.

Battle Cry: “Hold locks please!”

The Boy Scout

Like his namesake, this pilot is prepared. For anything. A single LRM 10 and a Large ER laser for long range engagements. An LBX10 and a ML for medium range. And an SSRM 4 and two machine guns for up close work. Although useless on the battlefield, the Boy Scout is known for his cheery demeanor and upbeat temperament.

Battle Cry: “Something something LORE.” or “GLHF!”

Can’t Find W

Identification of this pilot can be tricky, as he’s often confused with The Master Tactician and has a similar cry. The critical difference is this pilot wants to be with the rest of his team, but due to inattention or incompetence, often finds himself left far, far behind. Will typically blame the rest of the team for this development, despite the friendly Direwolf and Annihilator in Charlie Lance having no difficulty keeping up.

Battle Cry: “Stop NASCARing!” or “The team abandoned me!”

The Diva

This pilot is convinced that the rest of his team exists to serve and protect him. Assiduously avoids risking his armor and often berates lighter, smaller mechs for not holding the line. Can occasionally be found keeping company with The Lurmtato and usually competes with that pilot for the privilege of being last to die.

Battle Cry: “Lights and mediums form a protective perimeter around meeee!”

The Leader of Men

This pilot has a plan. He might even have several of them. And he’s going to share them with you. Loudly and incessantly. His battleplans may or may not make sense, and sometimes they’re quite literally impossible, but he’s never deterred and never stops barking out orders and directions, even when the team is down 10-2.

Battle Cry: “Ok everybody, let’s all rendezvous at Hotel 6 whereupon we’ll split into a pincer maneuver and flank from the North and West! Charlie lance, you guys create a diversion! Alpha lance, you push! Bravo lance, double back and sustain enfilading fire to surround them!”

The Inebriate

This pilot is drunk or stoned and wants everybody to know about it. Can often be identified by his cheery plumage, such as a name like, “Weedlaz0r420”.

Battle Cry: “Dude, I’m so messed up I put jelly on this hot god! Hahaha, omg, this isn’t my Locust!”

The Bitter Vet

This pilot has low expectations of his teammates, but still manages to get disappointed. Is usually in a sensibly built mech and among his team’s top performers. Not that it helps.

Battle Cry: “Carry harder I guess.” or “WTF is WRONG with you people?!?”

[Jackal Noble]

priceless.

[Eisenhorne]

This is a high quality shitpost.

[Alexander of Macedon]

Here's another one for you that I just observed in the wild: the Mad Cat Mk.II armed with: 2x cLRM15, 2x cAC/2, 2x HMLas. Approx. 4t ammo for each weapon type. Traveling at ~65kph.

No Art on the lurms, but it didn't really matter because he wasn't pressing R and was just blindfiring them on cooldown into the distance.

[SuperMCDad]

Hmmm. Just trying to figure out where I fit in. I rarely pilot assaults.

I could occassionally be accused of the solo yolo, piloting a dual AC20 Victor. Trying to push at an inopportune time due to being sick of not being in brawling range, while everyone else is hiding and poking.

I've also been trying to level a 6 ERLL Battlemaster for possible Faction play, but not sure where I fall with that one. Possibly the forgetting to hit w, as I zap reds at long range. Sometime forget about that situational awareness thing.

Pure pug . Trying to get better though.

[Nightbird]

The Invisible Giant

Mounting a mech covered with thick armor and weapons, travelling with the team without error, never asking for locks, or complaining. As you spot the enemy and get pummeled by enemy fire, he looks at you disapprovingly. When the entire team is in the last quarter of their health, he remains in the upper 90s, never committing the mistake of getting struck. Even when all of his team has been struck low, he remains the picture of perfection.. that is, until he is surrounded by the enemy, does less than 100 damage, and dies.

[Battlemaster56]

Amazing quality shitpost the Word of Cazadin would be proud.

[Flyby215]

Haha, that's awesome.

What about the capping assault?

[LordNothing]

i like to pilot assaults but unless it can do 60kph you are going to have a bad day. if it can go that fast pick your engine first then your armaments. if it cant then there really is no place in the game for it. because you need to go that fast to stay with the team in qp, and you will get reprimanded for bringing something that slow into fp. fp is actually where assaults can shine because that first drop everyone should be running them, so you only have to keep up with other assaults and not 100kph+ mediums and lights.

its why i was so disappointed with the annihilator because there is nowhere you can use the damn thing. all that firepower usually wasted because everyone wants speed. then they choose the biggest map possible and decide to nascar on it. going as low as 55 is often workable if you maintain alertness and have good map knowledge.

of course solaris will probably change this, its easier to run those ultraslow fatmechs when you only have one other guy to worry about, the one you are going to shoot at.

[Nightbird]

In FP, 50kph is fine when all your teammates are 50-60kph. QP Group queue as well, if your team agrees ahead of time. Just not solo queue.

[Eisenhorne]

You can totally solo queue in 50 KPH mechs, you just have to be careful. The group won't (usually) leave you completely behind unless you stop at some point to trade at long range with the enemy. Just gotta mash that W key the entire time, and you'll (usually) be OK.

[Nightbird]

Eisenhorne, on 10 April 2018 - 08:29 PM, said:

you'll (usually) be OK.

Well.. the times you're not OK, you're really really not OK

[JediPanther]

You forgot one:

The Casy-at-the-bat.

Named after the poem/song of the same name. This elite of the elite focuses on only his high damage alpha strike mech. Limited to just 300m and totally worthless at any other range he often is confused with the Deva and master tactician. Lowly creeping forward at a pace that makes stock urban mechs look like locusts this infamous pilot takes entire minutes before seeing any enemy. Once he crawls to 400m or less he fires his massive city destroying alpha hitting anything but the enemy promptly overheating and shutting down. Quickly focused down by the enemy in his shut down state he turns into can't-find-w.

[El Bandito]

Cnaiur, on 10 April 2018 - 05:50 PM, said:

The Bitter Vet

This pilot has low expectations of his teammates, but still manages to get disappointed. Is usually in a sensibly built mech and among his team’s top performers. Not that it helps.

Battle Cry: “Carry harder I guess.” or “WTF is WRONG with you people?!?”

I swear I had that quote in a match somewhere but the closest I could find was "Aww". The last opponent refused to engage my one ST MCII.

Edited by El Bandito, 10 April 2018 - 08:49 PM.

[UnofficialOperator]

TIL enfilading fire

[Warmonger2600]

The Overgunner

Fills every possible weapons slot with the biggest gun possible. Hates tonnage/slot stealing heatsinks and complains loudly when the map selected is hot. Will never override and doesn't take coolshots. Puts every weapon in the same group and does nothing but alpha-strike.

Edited by Warmonger2600, 10 April 2018 - 09:41 PM.

[STEF_]

Flyby215, on 10 April 2018 - 08:07 PM, said:

Haha, that's awesome.

What about the capping assault?

HELL YES!!!

There was a guy, always in an assault, that with assault base or conquest did nothing but cap, ALL THE TIME, and all the matches I could see him!!

Edited by Stefka Kerensky, 10 April 2018 - 10:40 PM.

[Brain Cancer]

I need a "Bitter Vet" decal now.

[Vellron2005]

So, basically, the OP just took a cynical dump on almost every player in the game.. This counts for every weight category, not just assaults..

Brain Cancer, on 10 April 2018 - 10:49 PM, said:

I need a "Bitter Vet" decal now.

I guess I need a LURMTATO decal then?

[Brain Cancer]

Vellron2005, on 10 April 2018 - 10:56 PM, said:

I guess I need a LURMTATO decal then?

Sure, we can do that.