447 replies to this topic

[guardian wolf]

Alright, will get a post in tomorrow night, and sorry about the last one, as I forgot we had to do inventory on one of our stores.

[RogueSpear]

We had to do an inventory on what now?

[Listless Nomad]

I think he means real life is interrupting his ability to write at the moment.

[RogueSpear]

Oh that makes a lot more sense. I thought Thom had asked for a list of gear we had.

[dal10]

i have been writing these for the last couple of days. not sure why, but i felt like it. (usually would write them after failing at writing for midale...). Basically i decided i would tell my character idea's background, as thom has not decided if it was good or not yet, in letters home. Note, these likely sound better in my head. Also note that isabella is Takeo's little sister.

first one takes place the day before the academy starts

Dear Isabella,

Living in Sosa is so different from the ranch. It is a lot colder than the equator. They even have entire armies of people dedicated to just cleaning the icicles This city never truly gets quiet either. I already miss the silence of a winter night back out at the ranch. The Academy doesn't start until next week, though my roommate hasn't arrived yet. Sorry for the short letter, but i have to get finished settling in. Tell Ma, Pa, and everyone else I said hi.

Love,
Takeo

Next one takes place roughly a month later.

Dear Isabella,

Sorry for the wait between my last letter and this one. It has just been busy up here. Life at the Academy is going well so far. The theory classes are hard, but i have had good scores in the mech classes. My room mate, Arnold Franchette, or as everyone calls him "frenchie", has been a lifesaver. He has issues with the mechs, but he is great when it comes to all the match and science. Between the two of us, i think we can pull through this place. Everyone has to get up at 6 am for morning workout 5 days a week. You can tell that all the city folk aren't used to it. But to me it is like sleeping in. I have to get Frenchie up every morning, guy sleeps like a log. Well that is all for this time. Enjoy high school, and tell Ma i am doing fine. She is probably organizing a search party for me by now.

Love,
Takeo


Dear Isabella,

Midterms just got finished. I ranked at 107 of 250. I didn't do too great at all the smart subjects, i was in the top 25 for the practical courses. Frenchie took 53rd.overall. I wouldn't have done half as well as i did if it was not for him. There is a party going on tonight. Maybe i can find a nice girl and get Ma to stop trying to get me to hook up with Melinda from 2 ranches down. Have a good night little sister.

Love,
Takeo

Dear Isabella,

I am really happy i got to see all of you guys again during my vacation last month. You have grown up so much. Life at the academy is back to normal as well. Classes have gotten harder from last year. but that should be expected. I only got another year here, officers have another three though. Frenchie is only here for a 2 year term as well. Wish me luck.

Love,
Takeo

Dear Isabella,

Finals are coming around again, and it has me and Frenchie studying around the clock. I don't know what i would do without him. I never knew that you needed so much math to pilot mechs. Both of us have applied for the 5th Syrtis Fusiliers. Since most of the top rankers in our class are here to become officers, we have a pretty good chance of getting in. Even if I don't make it into the fusiliers, i am sure i can find another unit. I should get some leave before i ship out. See you all then.

Love,
Takeo

Dear Isabella,

I made it. I passed the finals in the top hundred cadets. Both me and Frenchie got into the 5th as well. Best part is, we are in the same lance. I am guaranteed to have at least someone who can watch my back when i get there. I got my mech assignment as well. An ENF-4R Enforcer, while not some fancy assault or heavy mech. It is a good mech, though it will be a little too close to the front line for Ma's taste. Frenchie got assigned a Crusader, so he will be the heavy support in the lance. I will be on a bus heading home within a week. I ship out in about 2 months. I'll make sure to bring souvenirs.

Love,
Takeo

That is all i got for the moment, will try to finish them later.

Edited by dal10, 02 September 2013 - 02:57 AM.

[Spokes]

These are actually pretty good Dal. Do you mind a little feedback?

***

Mind your capitalization. Typos are not a huge deal, but for me anyways, not capitalizing the 'I' in a sentence (i went to the store) is very jarring to the eye.

***

Be consistent with your words. You use "room mate" in one place and then "roommate" in another. It's more important to be consistent than correct.

***

"The Academy doesn't start until tomorrow, though my roommate hasn't arrived yet."

This sentence conveys information, but the focus is a little strange-- the first half suggests that there's plenty of time until Academy starts, while the second half reads like Academy will start quickly. I think also the word "Academy" is better used to describe a place rather than a program. I would reword this sentence as. . .

"Classes start tomorrow and my roommate hasn't even arrived yet."

The information stays the same and the emphasis is consistent across the entire sentence. Also, if you're going to capitalize the word "Academy", make sure to be consistent with it.

***

"My room mate, Arnold Franchette, or as i call him "frenchie", has been a lifesaver."

This sentence doesn't flow well, and the underlined part reads like a boast and makes Takeo sound like a jerk. I would remove the commas on either side and use parentheses or hyphens instead.

"My roommate, Arnold Franchette-- everyone calls him "Frenchie"-- has been a lifesaver."

***

"I didn't do to great at all the smart subjects,

The word you want here is "too". As a general rule of thumb, "too" is used any time you're trying to convey quantity or magnitude. "I was going to put a post up last night, but Rogue drank too much again and was too hung over to respond to my question."

***

In the last paragraph, the first, second and fourth sentences deserve exclamation points I think.

"While not some fancy assault or heavy mech. It is a good mech, though it will be a little too close to the front line for Ma's taste. Frenchie got assigned a Crusader. so he will be the heavy support in the lance."

You have some periods here that are in the wrong places. If you're ever not sure, read the sentence out loud. Most of the time that's enough to let you know if you need to reword something.

***

I'm not the world's best writer, but if you're ever looking for feedback or a sounding board for your characters, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM here on the forums. I know there have been a lot of times where I've been stuck with a character or a particular scene, and just talking it through with someone was enough to get things moving again.

[RogueSpear]

Spokes, on 01 September 2013 - 10:26 PM, said:

"I was going to put a post up last night, but Rogue drank too much again and was too hung over to respond to my question."

Alas, an increasingly uncommon occurrence.

Not awful letters Dal, especially after the wonderful and long overdue grammar corrections from Spokes. Thom, take notes. You're not innocent here either my friend
On the use of parentheses, you abuse the hell out of them my friend. If you write a sentence and feel it needs an explanation, work the explanation into the story.

Example:

"Jack recognised the man immediately (He was an old pirate Jack fought on the periphery)."
Is bad.
"Jack recognised the man immediately. "Cutter Edgewise. Thought ah kilt ye on Von Strang's World back in '24, ya pr*ck."
Is much better. The adage 'Show, don't tell' applies.

For the record, my last couple Jack posts have felt a bit lopsided. Criticism as always is welcomed, but is also now explicitly sought. Weigh in boys and girls.

Edited by RogueSpear, 01 September 2013 - 11:33 PM.

[dal10]

in my defense, the spelling and grammar were never intended to be perfect. these were intended to be handwritten letters home by a guy who never did too great in english class.

still made most of the changes though.

as for rogues comments, i really do need to work on that.

[Red Duck]

So, I was just wondering if there was room for one more here. Rogue has told me (in great length) of the fun that was Life and Death, and I took a stab at reading through it (but the gargatuan backlog of posts I had to catch up on kind of scared me off).

Hopefully my writing is sufficient to jump on-board, but otherwise, I'm looking forward to following this one from the start.

[RogueSpear]

Finally got around to reading the letters. Pretty solid Dal!

[dal10]

i kinda just felt like fleshing out his background without out and out telling everyone. this was my best plan.

[guardian wolf]

And posted. Happy? No? Please tell me problems then....

[dal10]

here is a few more

Dear Isabella,

It was great seeing you guys again over the summer. I just wish i could have stayed longer. That boy Nicholas seemed like a decent enough guy. But make sure to let him know, if i find out that he has hurt you, i will catch a ride back to New Syrtis and kick his *** halfway to the south pole. Though i think Greg and Micheal would have done the same to him first. I would write more, but the dropship is leaving soon, and i have to report in. Buck up kiddo, you guys will see me again one day.

Love,
Takeo

Callsigns are all made up on the spot and not fleshed out


Dear Isabella,

Lee is a lot different from New Syrtis. It is a lot warmer mostly. Some of the guys from the academy have collapsed from the heat already. My enforcer was waiting in the hangar when i got here too. I had forgotten just how awe inspiring they are. It may not be the biggest, faster, or toughest mech. But it is my mech, which makes it special in its own right. It just has a sense of history behind it. According to the master tech it is nearly 300 years old. I am not sure if i believe him, but wouldn't be surprised either if it was true. I met my other lancemates too. Our entire lance is composed of rookies, even the LT just graduated from the academy, though she had two more years there than anyone else. Corporal Stevie "Rooks" Machailan seemed decent enough, though a bit slow. But our LT, Kristen "Watch" Mallows, is so uptight... I don't know what her problem is, but she is stricter than the drill sergeants at basic were... But at least i got Frenchie at my back. Write you again soon Izzy.

Love,
Takeo

I have no idea what the schedule would be for light duty like this. so i am guessing. Also Isabella is 3 years younger than takeo, making her 19 at this time.

Dear Isabella,

First off, congratulations on making honor roll your first year in college, Ma of all people sent a message out over the HPG to me. You know how much trouble she has with anything more complicated than a microwave. Keep this up and you will get into med school no problem

We had our first lance training exercise since i last wrote. Our lance consists of my Enforcer, Frenchie's Crusader, Rooks in a Phoenix Hawk, and the LT in her Warhammer. It is a fair mix of mechs, speed profiles are similar too. Rooks can scout out ahead, Frenchie can then pin them down with his lrms, Then me and the LT can pound them into submission from mid range. Our company has some time off in a couple weeks, down from a full 12 and 24 schedule that we have been keeping. The captain has arranged a shuttle to take us down to the town in repayment for all our hard work in getting everything in tip top shape prior to the upcoming war games next year. You keep making me, Ma, and the rest of the family proud Izzy.

Love,
Takeo

on a side note, has a verdict been reached on my character yet?

also there should be at least 3 more letters, more likely 5-6 though. (going through mentioned weekend in last letter, into the aftermath of galahad, then eventually to pre and post sarna, then finally to the issues in the 6th to leaving for solaris.)

[RogueSpear]

I've seen some discussion on you Dal, voting has begun

GW, couple problems. Why does VB hate Dylan? They're at utter loggerheads every time they talk, despite VB never being displayed as that type in the posts of anyone else - including Thom's, who invented the character. I also fail to see a reason why they are so against each other unless VB knows Dylan is there to spy - in which case I imagine from the feel I get of the character he'd either simply fire Dylan or use him as an opportunity to infiltrate/recon the Wolf's Dragoons, specifically the 7th Commando and/or Wolfnet.
Why is Dylan procuring parts for Steel Lady and why has this not been noted by anyone? I wrote a big post a good while back about her being put back together and don't recall ever seeing a message from you asking to be involved. I'd prefer if Dylan wasn't as it doesn't fit the narrative I was trying to tell with it. That's a plot hook to get Mac involved. In any case, there is no IC reason for Dylan to do so that I can see.
Frankly, the Dragoons involvement here does not make sense to me at all, nevermind why they're investing such a vast array of resources in the stable. You've done a lot of stuff with the Dragoons (Despite warnings from Thom that you're supposed to be acting on your own without support ) but there has never been a why explained. Why are they here? What are their objectives? Why do they want to know about these mechwarriors and this stable? Seriously buddy, where is the why?
Other than those issues, decently written. You're showing some promise again

[Red Duck]

Well, I'll take the likes on that post as a yes, then.

Name: Christopher Fischer

Call sign: Bandit

Date of Birth/Age: 3/ Jan/ 2989 (42yo)

Current Mech: HBK-4H

House Affiliation: Duchy of Orloff, Free World League

Military History: Orloff Military Academy 3002-3009
6th Orloff Grenadiers 3009-3014
5th Marik Militia 3014-3026

Physical Description: 5’9”, broad shoulders, dark brown hair with grey coming through. Usually has a light beard.

Background: Born on Vanra to a middle class business man, Christopher’s father paid the high enrolment fees to get him into Orloff Military Academy when he was 13 years of age. Here he faced prejudice from those born of higher birth in the early, but pushed himself through to graduate at the age of 20, the disdain his peers held for him initially turned into a friendly rivalry. Spending the next five years in the 6th Orloff Grenadiers with those he graduated alongside. Excepting a few border skirmishes against CCAF units, Christopher didn’t see much actual fighting until he was transferred to the 5th Marik Militia as a lieutenant in 3014, at the outset of the Anton’s Revolt. During fighting on Barenson, the 5th were outnumbered and cut off from supply lines by the rebel forces of the 3rd Marik Militia and 4th Ducal Guards. The unit was forced to adopt guerrilla warfare to survive, and Christopher lead his lance in several successful night time raids against rebel supply depots and against scout parties. Following the conclusion of the rebellion, he remained on active duty for eleven more years, though in this time it was mostly garrison duty, with a few minor skirmishes with Capellan and brigand forces. In 3026 he retired from military life, and settled down on Andurien, with an old friend from the 6th Grenadiers. However, not suited to civilian life, and wanting to get back into the cockpit of his mech, Christopher followed his friend to Solaris, to participate in the Games. Here he was met with enough success for him to sustain his new life relatively comfortably.

So, criticism?

Edited by Red Duck, 04 September 2013 - 10:28 AM.

[Spokes]

Loving the letters Dal, keep them coming. Also, make sure to capitalize your 'I's!

Looks good to me Duck. As an aside, wasn't Gamma's character somehow associated with the 6th Orloff? Maybe he fought them at one point? I remember seeing something about that from the original thread, but I might be wrong.

[dal10]

Spokes, on 04 September 2013 - 11:30 AM, said:

Loving the letters Dal, keep them coming. Also, make sure to capitalize your 'I's!

Looks good to me Duck. As an aside, wasn't Gamma's character somehow associated with the 6th Orloff? Maybe he fought them at one point? I remember seeing something about that from the original thread, but I might be wrong.

sorry, but spellcheck is Lostech

[Spokes]

^ There's truth to that. The word processing software I used in college (or even high school) was far more capable than what I'm using now.

[dal10]

plus capital eyes look like lower case ells.

[guardian wolf]

RogueSpear, on 04 September 2013 - 02:17 AM, said:

GW, couple problems. Why does VB hate Dylan? They're at utter loggerheads every time they talk, despite VB never being displayed as that type in the posts of anyone else - including Thom's, who invented the character. I also fail to see a reason why they are so against each other unless VB knows Dylan is there to spy - in which case I imagine from the feel I get of the character he'd either simply fire Dylan or use him as an opportunity to infiltrate/recon the Wolf's Dragoons, specifically the 7th Commando and/or Wolfnet.
Why is Dylan procuring parts for Steel Lady and why has this not been noted by anyone? I wrote a big post a good while back about her being put back together and don't recall ever seeing a message from you asking to be involved. I'd prefer if Dylan wasn't as it doesn't fit the narrative I was trying to tell with it. That's a plot hook to get Mac involved. In any case, there is no IC reason for Dylan to do so that I can see.
Frankly, the Dragoons involvement here does not make sense to me at all, nevermind why they're investing such a vast array of resources in the stable. You've done a lot of stuff with the Dragoons (Despite warnings from Thom that you're supposed to be acting on your own without support ) but there has never been a why explained. Why are they here? What are their objectives? Why do they want to know about these mechwarriors and this stable? Seriously buddy, where is the why?
Other than those issues, decently written. You're showing some promise again

Alright, starting from the top. VB doesn't like Dylan due to the fact that Dylan is basically a walking piece of bad luck. For a lot of the posts that Dylan has had put into the original thread, nothing has really happened that hasn't caused VB some sort of headaches. The assassination attempts, small breaches in security, all which were okie'd by Thom and then when I was told to stop, I stopped. These gave VB problems he had to fix, difficult ones at best. And so, VB doesn't really like Dylan as he sees Dylan as maybe a little more of a liability, rather than an asset. However, his wins so far have kept him within enough reason to keep around, for now, unless something else shows up (I am not foreshadowing anything of my doing, and will not be doing any more "ASSASSIN!" posts, since they seemed to only stir the pot rather than add any flavor).

Now, onto the parts. This was only done to make Dylan seem a more helpful asset and try to make up for the *cough*bad luck*cough* of the past. I only had the parts show up when they were direly needed, as in, there was nothing else for it. Whatever you do with that, is up to you. I'm only trying to give you more stuff to work with, as, a lot of those parts, are nigh impossible to reconstruct from broken ones, if you even have them. Just trying to throw you and Mac a bone Rogue so that you don't have to go slaving away at something to make it realistic in order to suspend belief, nothing more. Which means, you honestly could do nothing with it, and say that the parts are literally still in their boxes, waiting for a purpose.

And the last part. Now, if I remember this correctly (and for the love of God, I hope I am) the Wolf's Dragoons are still a pretty minor group right now. Nobody really notable, knows much about them, and so, the better contracts (like regular House contracts) are reserved for more notable groups with better, and longer, track records. So, why not take advantage of free advertising, one of the regular (if not less so) pilots of the Dragoons doing well on Solaris, to get the name circulating around. Generate interest into the merc corps. That's part one. Generate interest, get their name out more by utilizing free advertising. The second, is that the Kommando wants to see how warriors from different aspects of life (more importantly different house loyalties) interact on and off the battlefield.