915 replies to this topic

[Cactus In The Rear]

501.The techs cannot wire your heavy metal to play love songs.

502. Don't ask them to or they'll just laugh at you.

[Tustle]

503. Any recruit or otherwise superior officer accusing another of being a cephalopod 'in human disguise' will be sitting through "Workplace Relations" classes until the end of their enlistment. Again.

504. If you in fact have concrete proof that another merc is, in fact, a cephalopod 'in human disguise,' you are not allowed to bring it up with this person. Please however feel free to quietly file a report via the next HPG station to Orbital Mech' Factory [redacted]. Include in your report the recipient [Doctor Theaben], the subject [Test Pilot for Project #EX6ARM], the department code [What in the name of the SLDF and all that is holy is this madman building now], the name of the merc, and your findings dictating that this person is indeed a cephalopod in human 'guise.

504 b. Under no circumstances are you to publicly address this cephalopod merc as an octopus. It's most likely rude...somehow.

505. The second rule of 504 (and all subrules under it) is that there is no 504. We pride ourselves on being equal opportunity employers after all.

506. Daylight may come, and you may want to go home in your mech' be it a Locust or a Zeus, but too [potato]in' bad. We probably have a job to do if you're in the mech' to begin with.

507. Light mech' pilots be advised; your friendly Cicadas are not surfboards. Their pilots do not like it when you use them as surfboards. Your technicians also, do not like it when you use them as surfboards. Don't.

507 b. Not even if you have buddies taking video from Locusts running alongside them. We don't care how hilarious it is.

507 c. Be aware that they will fry the joints of your mech's legs the next chance they get.

[StompingOnTanks]

508. MechWarriors and tech crew members will no longer be allowed to compare porn magazine collections during breakfast, lunch or dinner. It took over five hours to clean the vomit mess left behind during your last "Extreme Fetish Collection" contest AND most of the rookies are still suffering from mental trauma.
509. You cannot bolt the top half of an Atlas BattleMech to the bottom half of a Rhino Support Tank to create a "Mechatankodon". Even if it was possible, it makes absolutely no tactical sense and would make Commander Stomping highly confused.
509a. For similar reasons bolting a tank turret onto the legs of a BattleMech will not be done either.
509b. Last week we received a request from a BattleMech pilot to bolt two tank turrets onto the sides of his armless mech. We already have those, and it's called the JagerMech.
510. While we CAN install rear-mounted weapons onto your BattleMech, we have absolutely no clue how you're going to aim them.

[Cactus In The Rear]

511. If you find a mech with tank treads you are not allowed to stomp on it no matter what your name is.

[Tustle]

StompingOnTanks, on 06 March 2014 - 01:36 PM, said:

509a. For similar reasons bolting a tank turret onto the legs of a BattleMech will not be done either.

What about a single AUTOCANNON on a pair of spindly Locust legs?! What NOW, dream breaker?!


(And don't give me that 'it's called the Hollander' scrap either, that's a Gauss and we both know it!)

[StompingOnTanks]

Tank Man, on 06 March 2014 - 02:08 PM, said:

What about a single AUTOCANNON on a pair of spindly Locust legs?! What NOW, dream breaker?!


(And don't give me that 'it's called the Hollander' scrap either, that's a Gauss and we both know it!)

http://mwo.smurfy-ne...d1c3f51d126fc66

Our tech team experimented with just such a thing a few months ago, but the sacrifice in armor and speed wasn't worth it. The "DakkaBug" as we've named it also has ammunition problems and having all that weight to one side tended to tip it over too easily. It's possible, but it just isn't viable.

[Sparks Murphey]

512: Due their original inspiration, and thus specifications, coming from the 1980's, and no one having thought to revamp the system in the millennium since, the operating systems of 'Mechs are software-limited to 512kb of memory. You can install one of your favourite vidgames like Pong 3025 or Centipede versus Pacman, but this will not leave enough memory to initialise your comms interface, let alone your weapons. Choose wisely.

513: The Mech Bay turntable is capable of rapid acceleration and deceleration in an emergency. We cannot stress enough the dangers of decelerating a hundred tons of BattleMech from thousands of degrees a second rotational velocity to a dead stop in a fraction of a second. Such a thing should not be done for idle whim or boredom.

513a: The Mech Bay turntable is also not a suitable location to "lay down some sweet beats" when not occupied by a BattleMech. No audio manufacturer in the Inner Sphere makes a tone arm long enough.

[Tustle]

StompingOnTanks, on 06 March 2014 - 04:30 PM, said:

The "DakkaBug" as we've named it also has ammunition problems and having all that weight to one side tended to tip it over too easily.

Did I say that it had the rest of the Locust chassis with it? Nay! For art and less costs in targeting equipment I says we mount an autocannon AS the center torso!

no I don't know where the engine gyro and other things would go...shaddup logic...>.>

EDIT: an AC/5...AT THE LEAST!

Edited by Tank Man, 06 March 2014 - 08:45 PM.

[bar10jim]

Smittiferous, on 04 February 2014 - 01:28 AM, said:

29. Installing a sound system on your 'mech and playing "Ride of the Valkyries" into battle is so 20th century. Don't.

"Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit....."

[StompingOnTanks]

Tank Man, on 06 March 2014 - 08:33 PM, said:

Did I say that it had the rest of the Locust chassis with it? Nay! For art and less costs in targeting equipment I says we mount an autocannon AS the center torso!

no I don't know where the engine gyro and other things would go...shaddup logic...>.>

EDIT: an AC/5...AT THE LEAST!

Note to all MechBay technicians: Nobody is to listen to Tank Man until he gets off whatever he's smoking.

[Cactus In The Rear]

514. Never under any circumstance build or drive this. LBX locust

[Linksdx]

Xanilos, on 07 March 2014 - 05:29 AM, said:

514. Never under any circumstance build or drive this. LBX locust

*breathes* ....it collapsed ...sorry

[StompingOnTanks]

515. Be aware that any Urbanmech that has been modified to carry lightweight weapons and move faster than 90KPH will have ZERO resale value.
516. Never provoke a Charger pilot; 80 tons and five Small Lasers doesn't seem very scary until it's coming at you at 86KPH.
516a. You will be required to clean your own pants also.
517. To all pilots of any mech that mounts six or more Jump Jets: Challenging Aerospace Fighter pilots to an air-to-air duel is strongly NOT recommended.
518. Aerospace fighter pilots: Challenging a Dropship captain to a space combat duel isn't a good idea either, especially if you actually pilot Conventional Fighters.
519. BattleMech combat is not Chess. The next time we see a Lance Commander surrender because a Centurion is to his left, a Spider is in front of him, and an Awesome is diagonally off to his right 2000m away, there will be serious repercussions.

[Tustle]

StompingOnTanks, on 07 March 2014 - 05:10 AM, said:

Note to all MechBay technicians: Nobody is to listen to Tank Man until he gets off whatever he's smoking.

Don't forget to remind them to not contact department code 'what in the name of the SLDF and all that is holy is this madman building now.'

Pretty colors...

[finalexamweek]

520. If you are piloting a Centurion and you lose both the LT and the RT, and get legged, then you are permitted to shout over open comms: I STILL FUNCTION!!.
521. You are at all times to fear any and all exams and the week associated with said exams.
522. A commando that has a ERPPC and is seen shutdown is to be left alone, as it is an experimental model that the techs are trying to perfect.
522b. 522 may be ignored if said commando is missing the left arm.
523. Tank Man and Stomping on Tanks are never to be placed on the OPFOR in the next maneuvers together.

Edited by finalexamweek, 07 March 2014 - 12:16 PM.

[Cactus In The Rear]

524. No the techs can't make your flamer write "burn!" in the air.

525. If you bring a flamer it does NOT make all of the enemies shut down laughing you are not to tell recruits this.

Edited by Xanilos, 07 March 2014 - 12:23 PM.

[990Dreams]

526: The ROFLCopter is not an aerospace vehicle.

[Tustle]

finalexamweek, on 07 March 2014 - 12:15 PM, said:

520. If you are piloting a Centurion and you lose both the LT and the RT, and get legged, then you are permitted to shout over open comms: I STILL FUNCTION!!.

[520 b. For the love of camembert, don't start singing "I Will Survive" instead. Especially if you sing terribly and off key. The Johnston incident was once too many already.]

Edited by Tank Man, 07 March 2014 - 01:27 PM.

[B0oN]

addendum to 526 ..
527: Neither is the "LoL-Bot" to be considered an actual Battlemech .
528: No, Banshees are actually not allowed of petrifying enemy Mechs with a shrill shriek due to rule #497 .

[B0oN]

#529 : If the rate of combat tips is not being kept up, crew chiefs are allowed to send their mechwarriors off with one leg missing to finally see what they did there/condemn them to forum time in all the good subforums .
#530 : If crew chiefs are to be reprimanded because of sending warriors out one-legged a simple nod towards the correct forums will give them a free pass for once if the rate of comat tips isn´t being upheld by attendin mechwarriors .