915 replies to this topic

[StompingOnTanks]

Sizzles, on 20 November 2014 - 03:40 PM, said:

982: The airlocks and garbage jettison tubes are not to be used as a means to dispose of your fellow 'Mech Warriors.

982a. Unless they challenge a Clanner to a break dancing contest.

[Big Tin Man]

StompingOnTanks, on 20 November 2014 - 05:25 PM, said:

982a. Unless they challenge a Clanner to a break dancing contest.

982b. Do consider the size of the mechwarrior being ejected Vs. the size of the ejection appratus. The last tubby pilot that went out the dropship garbage tube jammed it up until we were planetside, 14 jumps later.

The dropship still smells funny.

[Tustle]

983. To whoever bought the three ton pallet of air freshener solvent; thanks and all, but now the drop -and- jumpship smell overpoweringly of lavender and lilacs. Or at least that's what the cans say...shaddup...

984. Notice to all uniformed personnel; they were a good idea and well intentioned, but seriously, the next person wearing the pink cancer awareness uniforms during a Charlie Foxtrot will be set on kitchen duty for the next month. The next two if you're infantry or tank crews; if you're not dead already from being a highly visible pink target.

984 b. Considerations are in place if said Charlie Foxtrot was out of our control. The point still stands, and c'mon, that particular sortie's already done and over with.

985. We no longer speak of Operation: Humpty Dumpty. Ever.

985 b. It is also no longer allowed to convince the rookies that Operation: Humpty Dumpty involves crashing our dropship into enemy installations.

[StompingOnTanks]

Tank Man, on 25 November 2014 - 10:32 PM, said:

985 b. It is also no longer allowed to convince the rookies that Operation: Humpty Dumpty involves crashing our dropship into enemy installations.

(Yeah, that was actually our JumpShip. )

[Tustle]

StompingOnTanks, on 26 November 2014 - 03:48 AM, said:

(Yeah, that was actually our JumpShip. )

(...dammit, that's the more expensive one!)

[StompingOnTanks]

Tank Man, on 26 November 2014 - 07:58 AM, said:

(...dammit, that's the more expensive one!)

(De-orbiting a dropship was my original plan, but my commanding officer took one look at it and said it needed "Greater dramatic effect" so we... Upsized a few things. Such as replacing the aerospace fighters in the JumpShip hanger bay with live nukes.)

986. No officer of the Stomptopian Space Navy, regardless of rank or battlefield conditions, may give the order to use nuclear weapons unless he uses "RAMMING SPEED!" in the same sentence.

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 26 November 2014 - 01:09 PM.

[SnagaDance]

986b. When giving the order for "RAMMING SPEED!" it is required to have a fat man, naked from the waist up, increase the rhythm of him banging on his drums.

[Tustle]

StompingOnTanks, on 26 November 2014 - 01:08 PM, said:

De-orbiting a dropship was my original plan, but my commanding officer took one look at it and said it needed "Greater dramatic effect" so we... Upsized a few things. Such as replacing the aerospace fighters in the JumpShip hanger bay with live nukes.

(...good lord that isn't upsizing, that's pulling a huge maxim 44 [If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool] on the enemy base! Because there is no overkill.)

987. If you can see the enemy recon lance, odds are they can see you. If you can no longer see the enemy recon lance, you may be seconds away from death by thousands of laser cuts.

[StompingOnTanks]

Tank Man, on 27 November 2014 - 12:20 AM, said:

(...good lord that isn't upsizing, that's pulling a huge maxim 44 [If it will blow a hole in the ground, it will double as an entrenching tool] on the enemy base! Because there is no overkill.)

987. If you can see the enemy recon lance, odds are they can see you. If you can no longer see the enemy recon lance, you may be seconds away from death by thousands of laser cuts.

987 Revised: If you can no longer see the enemy recon lance, you may be seconds away from a Locust Hump-Fest.

[Sparks Murphey]

988: Despite the urgings of Milli Vanilli, it is not appropriate after a defeat to blame it on the rain.
988a: This also goes for the boogie, the bossa nova, the music, my a.d.d., my youth, the alcohol, the girls, the boom boom, the weatherman, or September.

[Alaskan Nobody]

Sparks Murphey, on 29 November 2014 - 06:35 PM, said:

....or September.

Well CRAP.

[IraqiWalker]

989. Convenient as it may be, Helicopters and other assorted VTOL craft should not be used as a replacement for parachutes.

989b. Should your mech be launched into the air by force of explosion, or through some strange maneuver by an enemy mech, or by slipping and falling down the side of a mountain, reaching out and grabbing nearby VTOL craft to "break your fall" is ill advised, and causes more damage than just losing you alone would.

Edited by IraqiWalker, 29 November 2014 - 08:29 PM.

[StompingOnTanks]

990. Do not EVER mention the square cube law while standing in the mech bay or near any BattleMech, or any mech in the nearby vicinity will immediately collapse its joints under its own massive weight while simultaneously digging a 300 foot hole in the ground due to ground pressure.

The last time Joe McBoe did this, the entire dropship's mech maintenance hangar deck exploded in a blizzard of impossible physics and killed nearly everyone on board.

The only reason we even know this is a problem is because Sparks Murphey was able to put a paper bag over his head in lieu of a space helmet before the entire ship depressurized and suffocated everyone on board. He then used a pair of fire extinguishers to rocket himself to the nearest orbital strip club where he radioed our Command Jumpship and told his story, followed by his request to stay where he was for a few weeks while he recovered from "All the completely insane impossible bull**** this unit goes through".

In any case, Sparks Murphey's zero-gravity, zero-atmosphere survival skills with a paper bag are to be applauded.

Edited by StompingOnTanks, 30 November 2014 - 06:29 AM.

[Alaskan Nobody]

StompingOnTanks, on 30 November 2014 - 06:27 AM, said:

In any case, Sparks Murphey's zero-gravity, zero-atmosphere survival skills with a paper bag are to be applauded.

And feared.

Spoiler

991. We are not to mention his survival skills again for similar reasons to rule 990.

[Sizzles]

992: While souvenir hunting is encouraged, during our weekly Misjump, please keep in mind that whatever you wish to bring back with you must:

• Fit withing the space allotted to you on board your dropship.
  
• Produce minimal odor. (Unless you wish to pay for the replacement of the air scrubbers.)
  
• Be either non-sentient or dead.
  
• Not fall under the classification of "Weapon of Mass Destruction" or "Super Weapon" as defined by the Ares Conventions.
  
• Not weigh in excess of 50 -Fifty- Metric tons.
  
• Be sterilized, and if organic, be made totally incapable of reproduction.
  
• Be properly locked away if the item -both organic and non-organic- is capable of causing harm to fellow crew members. You will be held responsible for any and all injuries or deaths caused by your item.
  
• Be incapable of summoning demon hoards from the depths of Hell. Nor be capable of causing a zombie apocalypse.

[Alaskan Nobody]

Sizzles, on 01 December 2014 - 10:19 PM, said:

Not weigh in excess of 50 -Fifty- Metric tons.

5050? Bit more than I was expecting, but I can work with that

[StompingOnTanks]

Sizzles, on 01 December 2014 - 10:19 PM, said:

• Be incapable of summoning demon hoards from the depths of Hell. Nor be capable of causing a zombie apocalypse.

Awwwwwww. -Puts back Fluffles the Necromorph.-

Spoiler

At least I'll always have this photo to remember him by. ;~; Goodbye, Fluffles.

[Tustle]

993. The next Mechwarrior to claim "sleep is for the weak!" gets their shore leave revoked pending Corporal Tinn Kann [the 'Tank Man']'s imminent heart attack from drinking too many vintage Bang energy drinks. If he doesn't get some sort of food poisoning first from drinking really old energy drinks in the first place.

993 b. If Corporal Tinn Kann [the 'Tank Man'] does indeed suffer a heart attack he wants you all to know...that he blames Commander Stomping of the Stompanian Forces. Yes, even if Commander Stomping didn't actually make him touch that over-caffeinated beverage which the good Corporal refers to as "the Ultimate Kick in the Pants." We'll give the Corporal this however, he's at least getting some bite to him. Despite the Commander freaking him the heck out.

Edited by Tank Man, 11 December 2014 - 11:33 PM.

[Keira RAVEN McKenna]

994. Incoming fire has right of way
995. Friendly fire... isn't

Edited by Keira RAVEN McKenna, 12 December 2014 - 04:33 AM.

[StompingOnTanks]

994. Tanks ALWAYS have the right of way.
994b. Unless you're in a Mech.